Aysha

I knew it was coming...So did my grams. Worrying so much that I would have a week alone turned into being obsessed with when the hell are they leaving.
It was cool until the day they left. All that day I was sick and slept all day. As soon as they all left for the airport. There I went. What a freaking joke!
I bet I was high before they even got on the plane. $500 in 36 hours and yet another job. Killed the battery in my cousin's car because I left the lights on. Now here I sit. Cant even buy a pack of cigarettes. Spent most of last night coming down. Freakin myself out from all the cocaine in my system. I was hearing people talking and walking all through my house. Thought my gramps was coming for me from the closet where his urn is. Seeing stuff zoom past me from the corners of my eyes. Ate ridiculous amounts of food and dirty dishes everywhere. Havent brushed my hair since Friday morning.
I promised my little cousins I was going to buy them a PS2 and Guitar hero while they were gone with my change I had saved. yea...that ended up being $200 in just a month in a half of just throwing change in a jar. Gone! About 50 bucks stashed cash I forgot about...Gone!! Whole dam paycheck...Gone!! Even 40 bucks from my grams...Gone!!!
I sat here last night so numb just staring at this board. Thinking of what I have posted lately. Thinking of the responses and PMs I have received. Thinking of all the progress I thought I was making. Thinking maybe I might have a chance this time. I have no business giving advice or posting anything I thought could help someone else.
And you know..What do you say after so many times? Sorry dont mean **** anymore. I am not all crazy thinking this is the end why bother. I know I HAVE to get my ass in a shower tomorrow and get my ass together and get another job by the end of this week. I have to find some way..any way to get to that Friday night NA meeting by me. I'm also wondering if the county may provide transportation for people like me that need IOP and cant get there.
I cried my freakin heart out so bad last night my eyes were swollen shut. I begged and I pleaded for God to help me just understand why after all I have been through and all I have learned too. Why the hell do I keep doing it?? Why?? After all the crap I put my grams through. It just comes from nowhere and blind sides me everytime. And I really tried. I tried all day Friday to fight it. The more I fought it. The sicker I felt and tired and depressed. I let it consume me.
I lost in a few hours what took months to get going again.
And I didnt enjoy one bit of it. The whole time was one big expensive miserable torcher session. Makes alot of sense doesnt it?
I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I am very disappointed in myself. Very ashamed.
I just want to understand why. I need to understand.
I just needed to get that out.