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I really appreciate your post. I could really relate. I think it is brave to focus on your own behavior, your own responses, working your own steps.

I just finished my 12 steps in my program and my boyfriend, sober 20 years, still have difficult conflicts similar to the one you describe. I really hate it when I lose my cool. I did so yesterday, but regained composure pretty quickly.

We have been together for 3 years. Right now, I am dealing with some particularly insane behavior on his part. It is so hard to keep the focus on me. He has what I consider dry drunk episodes. When these flare up, he reacts to a problem or invents one, fights with me and then leaves. He will be gone for days or weeks. He does not drink or use at this time -- thankfully. Yet his behavior is not sober.

If not for Al-anon, I would have either blamed myself or drowned in resentment. I know that he is a good man with a terrible illness. He is not trying to harm me. In his sobriety, he is a wonderful supportive partner who would be truly appalled at his behavior. My first sponsor explained to me that even the non-drinking A can have a black out. It just depends on how the disease affects the individual. I believe this is the case with my boyfriend.

However, I do not accept unacceptable behavior. I am compassionate and I detach with love as often as possible. But I do not accept unacceptable behavior. I take care of me first. This is so hard, because I have my own issues that make me want to fix, control, explain, etc. But I have a program and a higher power to guide me.

I am most trusting of people who do not give advice, but rather share their own experience, strength and hope regarding how to deal with a situation like mine.

Perhaps you have already had your discussion. I hope it went well -- at least, perhaps you feel you handled yourself well and as a result have boosted your self-esteem.