Insight, Catalyst?
Time for me to be honest about something else.....
I took my "last" dose of buprenorphine yesterday morning and contradicting the factual half life of the drug, I'm starting to experience withdrawal again. Supposedly I should have been ok until tomorrow but I guess that's irrelevant at this point. Here come the oh so familiar hot flashes. My stomach is starting to hurt, all that fun stuff. I have to get this out, it hurts too much.
I took a drive today to try and relax. I listened to my favorite music while staring at the sky. The sun was starting to go down and sky was turning purple and red. Such a beautiful sight. I drove down a main drag where all sorts of restaurants and bars are located. I looked at those people smiling and laughing and wished I could feel close to someone again. My thoughts turned back to when something changed in me. Up to a point I had friends, was social, and though an active addict, I found a relative happiness. I had fantasies come become reality. From 7 of '04 to 12 of '04 things got better and better and finally peaked right before christmas. I was single and started hanging out with a women I had gone to middle school and high school with. We had a fling of sorts after high school. I remember thinking then that whoever married this girl was going to be one lucky SOB. Single most beautiful girl in every respect that I have ever encountered. She was a "keeper". She went away to college and I stayed in town. She came back fours years later with an aeronautical engineering compared to my 2.5-3 years of college where I switched my major three times. Anyways, we started hanging out at this point again. She had gotten a good job and bought a house by december. We were hanging out one night and on thing led to another and...........we became deeply and hopelessly in love with each other. Up until this point I felt marriage and lifelong monogamy to be utterly ridiculous concepts. At this point however, I knew there was no one else for me. It would take me pages to explain but we were as perfect for each other as humanly possible.
Right before christmas, she's over at my townhouse and we're snowed in. My roommate is out of town. I remember eating a bowl of Captain Crunch and in mid spoonful turning to her and asking her to marry me. She knocked the bowl out of my hands and well, you know. We planned to elope and get married on the island of Cyprus. The next two and a half months were the happiest of my life. I felt optimism for the first time. Our friends got mad at us because all we liked to do was lie in bed and hold each other. We would spend entire weekends listening to music and cuddling. Happiness doesn't describe. I felt that I had found my spiritual home. Drugs meant nothing to me (though I still had to use to keep from getting dope-sick). I hid this fact until February when I told her I was starting the methadone clinic to get clean. She was happy about this.
A week later was the last time that I saw her.
I realized today that I had always blamed the methadone for making me numb. That event in February made me numb but the methadone kept me numb. I didn't cry, didn't talk about, and have completely ignored the memory that event. I have effectively repressed that 2 and a half month video and have inadvertently been suffering the consequence for three years. I've been unknowingly transferring that pain to every facet of my life. I was too stupid until now to realize that that is why I no longer like being around people.
Even though I've come to this realization, I'm not sure how to change it. This is not drug related trauma.
I'm so tired of this.