A Revealing Day
Today was a much better day than yesterday. I know this feeling good might be momentary, but that is why I am taking one day at a time, one minute at a time.
Today I was called for a job interview at an awesome well established company. The job would call for me to relocate, which would help me with my detachment from stbx. For the last five years I have been looking for, applying for and interviewing for jobs and have not had one single offer. (I am working just always looking for something with better pay and more of a challenge). And now here on a whim I send my resume and this company is VERY interested in me. Even if it doesn't work out I know I am qualified to do something and all my hard work and education is not as useless as I was feeling it was.
I'm also thinking that this could be my golden opportunity. This could be the start of a new life, one with ME at the center. Maybe this is part of the plan I have been trying so hard to figure out. Trust my HP.
I also went back to the gym today and went and had my nails done and actually spent time looking at clothes at the mall! All stuff I stopped doing once I got married. It hit me why for the last 7.5 years have I done NOTHING for myself? Well because I was always too busy making sure I'd be home when he got home. Too busy making sure I was there to wait on him hand and foot in the hopes that it would win me two seconds of his love and attention. This is what I called a marriage? WTF!!!!
Somewhere along the way I got so used to accepting the unacceptable that I started thinking that was what I deserved. And if that was what I deserved why would I do anything for me?
Maybe it's a fleeting moment of clarity, or maybe it's something I can hold on to for another day. But I know I loved my husband with all my heart, and I know that I always will. But I did EVERYTHING I could to make my marriage work and if he can't see that, it's just not my problem anymore. Maybe someday he will figure it out and maybe he won't but my job is no longer to worry about or rescue him. My life is a blank canvas, my job now is make it a beautiful work of art!
Thanks to EVERYONE on this board who continues to read my posts and offer words of strength, experience, and encouragement.