Hi all --
I haven't just dropped off the face of the earth, but our computer's modem has died and I haven't gotten it replaced.
I have to tell you all that one of my challenges that I'm not doing quite so well with is detaching from my older son's emotional depression. I know I have written about my kids from time to time, and I love them to tears. They are not substance dependent at all, but they are burdened with intellectual minds that seek the dark side of the day. Both boys brood and will find issues with the world that they - or anyone - cannot really fix. My eldest decided recently that he needed to talk to someone - that he was tired of feeling so horrible about himself and he wanted to feel better. I applaude his strength, and his dad and I have made an effort to find him a therapist who will be a good match. It was hard today, though, listening to him talk about how horrible he feels about himself - he's the most accomplished, strong, beautiful young man! - and I found myself struggling with the effort it was taking for me to not try to fix his pain with talk. From that, then, I slid into thinking about how my younger son will probably be angry at the world by tomorrow, and that I can't fix that either but that I will struggle with just listening and not rising to the bait.
Between these two and myH, I'm really struggling with the codie wish to fix. I know that I can't; I know that I need to detach and let my sons hold their own; but I fear that they have internalized so many things from me and myH and our issues... Argh! I am falling tonight into my own depression as I think of holding my sons lightly in my heart and not owning their challenges. Sometimes I get so tired...
Anyway, nothing great here. I'm still trying to recast my feelings of failure into recognized actions of strength - and maybe in the midst of this current testing, I need to hold onto the fact that I'm not owning my children's pain - or at least not trying to fix it. I hate the feeling inside, though, and I want to get angry about it or rake myH over the coals of my frustration that he isn't in the house helping me with this.
Sorry for the downer of a post. I was doing great earlier today (I had a young man mistake me as being 10 years younger than I am and was feeling pretty good about me!), but tonight it's downturned. I suspect I need to take some time to meditate and then turn this all over to my HP - but sometimes I'm too tired to do even that...
On another note: Does anyone know how to turn off the snow?
I hope that you all are having a better week. I'm going to send out a group hug in hopes that, like forcing myself to smile, it will turn my mood around. Here's to everyone on SR:
:ghug
(and one more for me
)
(now on to tomorrow...)
UM