My story is about my decision to break up with my abf.
I have never ended a relationship before. I have always been the one in my relationships who will keep fighting on, who keeps believing that we can make it. It has always been the other person who has ended it and told me they were done.
On Friday, I decided I was done. I went home and told my abf so. It was so difficult to me, I felt so emotional and just wanted him to say the things I needed to hear so that we wouldn't break up. I spent the weekend feeling really mixed up, emotional. It was hard. During the time though I have known I was doing the right thing. I haven't broken down in fits of tears like I would've in the past. Even when I have started to cry I have realised my tears are because I am asking myself ''why has this happened'', ''how can he not care enough to save us'' etc. Each time there has been a voice in my head that tells me I've done everything I could do, now it is up to HIM to show me he can change. I need more than just comforting words, I need to SEE things happening.
This is amazing for me, in days gone by I have grasped at any sign of hope and held on for a brighter day only to be left sad and empty inside once more. I have allowed myself to wallow in self despair and cried like a baby over my hurts and not had the strength to save myself. many times in the past 18 or so months I have almost ended it with abf, only to fall to my delusions that it would be ok, we could sort it out. Now I know that I was trying as hard as I knew how to save us, where as my abf was not. I feel as if he has at some level feared losing me and so has made steps forward, but each time I have approached him and told him how alone I have felt, how afraid I have been, how I did not know how much longer I could go on for, he has not fully comprehended what I have said, he has perhaps convinced himself that we could carry on without him making a serious effort with recovery.
I am glad I am not feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, I was afraid I would and that I couldn't cope with that. But I am still sad that my xabf has not yet seen the light and crossed that bridge with me, hopefully in time he will but I cannot spend the next --- years waiting in pain.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx