Ser,
My husband didn't fit the "typical" alcoholic mold. He didn't drink everyday, hell, he didn't even drink every month. And not everytime he drank was there a problem. Sometimes he would be a fun drunk, but sometimes he would be a mad drunk. I didn't think he was an alcoholic, because unlike his mother, he didn't drink everyday, it didn't affect his job, he didn't lose our house, he wasn't drinking at 8am etc. He was like my cousins, who would sometimes lose their temper when drinking -it's a guy thing...right?
Things went downhill quickly. He went from not drinking everyday, to hiding his daily drinking. It didn't help that his best friend is his boss, and while they would work, they would drink. After the **** hit the fan, I found out a lot more. Such as the time he drove home drunk in the company vehicle and made it through a RIDE program (!!!) , the time he came home and told the neighbour he was sick of his life and was just going to take off and never come back, how often he drank at work, how many times he would come home from work and have a beer so I wouldn't know he drove home drunk, etc.
I never thought it was affecting him or our relationship either...until the night he shoved me, ripped my jacket and broke my laptop. I was on this forum before that happened, and a lot of people said to be careful cause it can change so quickly...and all I could think was "They don't know my husband, or me....they don't know that he's really a great guy, they don't know that this is normal, what are they talking about!?" Then it happened.
In all honesty, my husband's drinking escalated within 2-4 months.
I still struggle with saying the words "My husband is an alcoholic". For some reason it makes me feel like a failure (Yes, I'm also reading Codependent No More).
You say "But how do I even begin to talk to him that the drinking is a problem when I can't point out specific harm it does to our relationship or to him? "
But you also say "My main complaint over the years is that he's fairly absent from our relationship, and I pretty much removed myself as well to protect myself (yes, I'm reading Codependent No More), and there's just not much relationship left. "
IMO That is specific harm to your relationship. Granted, I've learned that marriage isn't the fairytale ending I believed it would be, but I also know that there are happy marriages and that when we're married, we're entitled to a happy one.
Sorry if this seems a bit disjointed. I have a million thoughts in my head and my fingers just aren't typing fast enough to keep up with them. Good Luck!