I read your story, and it reminded me of something I posted in the spirituality forum.
There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.
- Baruch Spinoza, "Ethics"
I do not know if you are spiritual or not.
But, I do know there is always hope. Sometimes, the fear seems to cloud it out. But, it's there. Always.
When a door shuts, a window is opened.
Good luck to you, my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I understand...
Shalom!