But now when I do apply these new ways and am successful at holding my ground I see his ego deflate somewhat, like he realizes I am not going to give in this time, and he may be seeing what he's been doing. And now the problem is I feel SO SORRY for him! Like I want to swoop him up and give him back the control
You say he is not active in any recovery program. That my dear is still MANIPULATION to get his way. That is what alkies/addicts do. Stick to your boundaries.
It's not about control. It is about what is acceptable to you and what is not. Period. End of Story.
Continue with your meetings. Continue to work on you. He will either 'swim or sink.' If he becomes miserable enough he will either go back to drinking or he will find HELP.
What you have right now is someone who is not drinking but still using all his 'old' behaviors to live by. some in AA call that a DRY DRUNK.
Why cant we simply be equals with give and take and mutual respect instead of this constant battle?
Because he doesn't know how yet. He may someday learn how, once he becomes willing to work on him. And he may never learn how.
You have to take care of YOU.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much!
Love and hugs,