sodetermined

I have posted here a few times about my abf, we've been off and on, etc. He can be controlling, verbally abusive, plus all the typical addict behaviors. Not to the extreme, he can also be very loving, kind, responsible. Anyway, about a month ago, maybe, I kicked him out as I heard he was hitting on a girl, and no doubt in my mind he would have cheated. Well I made real progress as far as packing all his things and taking them to his mom's, etc, working on me. But I didn't cut out the contact all together, so long story short he was sorry, gonna try and quit again, blah blah and I took him back. I have strong codependency issues, but really am trying to work on them. It's hard, with him there, ya know?

Well the last few weeks have been rough, we haven't been getting along well, he hasn't taken any real steps towards recovery, we fight about kids, money, etc. He isn't working at all, and I won't buy beer for him so he hasn't been able to drink much at all. So he's grouchy, plus I'm grouchy back, I have a lot of resentment/anger/distrust towards him.

Well yesterday I find out that he is "fishing" with his uncle (who is an alcoholic, supplies beer as much as Chris wants) and also his cousin, who is the husband of the girl who said Chris was hitting on. So I was so mad and angry, and called his uncle's cell phone and asked if Chris was with him. He said no, so I told him to tell Chris when he sees him not to bother coming home, then I call his cousin's cell phone and he was with Chris so I tell Chris I'm tired of him taking off so he can drink, etc. His defense was that he left a note, which he did, it said "gone fishing, be back at dark, love Chris". I will admit that on my part, it's a control thing, plus I don't trust him, plus I knew he was with Clayton....who's wife he had just hit on. But at the same time, it's like...."here we go again". He's testing me, to see what I will put up with, and then it will get worse. I don't know, I told him not to bother coming home, so then he calls me a couple more times, just to say he's tired of me kicking him out (I do threaten with that all the time). Then the last time he called he wouldn't tell me where he had been or where he was going. I don't know, I kind of feel like I overreacted I mean he did leave a note and his cousin said they were fishing, but I knew he was drinking and if he is going to be with his cousin then no doubt he will be around his wife again and if she made that stuff up why would he want to be around them? I don't know, he will always go to where the beer is, and he knows I won't buy it.

I don't know, I'm just sad this morning, upset with myself that I let my codependency get the best of me yet again, I know I acted like that because I felt like the situation was out of my control. He really didn't do anything "wrong" (besides drinking) but I triggered a lot of other feelings. I feel like I strongly overreacted and could have handled it differently other than telling him he couldn't come home and that I was done....and don't even really mean that. This is so hard! Alcohol addiction sucks! So does codependency!