I just want to figure out how a moral person can wreak so much havoc on himself and others and basically live a lie. It ain't easy to accept. But I guess that is down the road.
I was a master at rationalisation - I was tired, I was stressed, I deserved to unwind, I couldn't sleep, I needed to feel creative, I wanted to be sociable...and any other of literally 100s of excuses.
bottom line - I'm an addict - I wanted the 'buzz' - and often let that desire override common sense....and, sometimes, yes - morality. I'm not a saint. Only one man was perfect, IMO and not Him
My atonement is to live right today, and to help others.
D