Powerless vs Choice??
New here. Overwhelmed at the positives, wisdom, and support I've been granted in just a few days. I need it.
A member and I were exchanging private messages when he rather set me back on my heels.
I was rambling to him as to how guilty I felt. That every time I drank a beer it was a conscious choice and every time I made the wrong one. I told him that, in some ways, I wish I had dt's, shakes, etc, and other deathly aspects of withdrawal. For, that would validate my powerlessness. I'm suffering none of that (day 5), and miss the "ritual" more than alcohol. Besides ritual, I used to medicate significant emotional pain and guilt. Much of which, ironically, was (is) exacerbated by freakin' alcohol!
He wrote back and posed a dilemma that remains: If you had a choice when you drank, why are you here? If you had a choice, why did you consistently make the wrong one? And what makes you think you will now make the right one in perpetuity?
Hmmm. Then I got to thinking about the first step (where I am, presently). Is this why it is my second time around? That, in typical male fashion, I fail to recognize when I'm powerless? WTF?
No one put a gun to my head. I did begin to think of that first cool sip 1/2 hour before the end of work, however. Why do I feel that admitting that I am powerless is letting myself off the moral hook? Did I not have free will before I turned the key in the ignition?
I don't know why I am stuck on this issue. I sure don't expect anyone to have the answer to my dilemma. Why not just say I'm powerless and get on with it? Am I just scared to say I need Viagra for the soul?
If anyone else has struggled with this, male or female, how did you resolve it? What gave you insight?
My need to resolve this is the result of the enormous amount of guilt I have heaped on myself. For doing the wrong thing, time after time. If I simply admit that I am powerless, isn't that like getting off the train one stop before Ownership Avenue?
If you think this whole internal debate is ridiculous, fire away.
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warrens