Growing

This is great! I think this will help so much! Good for you doing what you need to do to help yourself. Out of this therapy...you will be able to work out those boundaries. Don't forget to shop around for the therapist that is right for you...the relationship with your therapist is most important...that way you will want to go...and the progress you make has more of a lasting chance.

Here is a link I found useful:

How to find a good therapist

"So now it is back to square one. My parents won't talk to me, think I am a horrible person and Jane is sleeping on my couch. She is going to investigate another residential hotel tomorrow. But I'm drained, tired, and f****** sick of this ****."

I know this doesn't help...but this is the problem with your parents "calling your bluff". It is important not to attempt to set a boundary unless you are completely willing to follow through with what you say/the consequences. You gave in to your parents...the hotel didn't work out...and now "Jane" is your problem...the only problem with giving in is that the hotel didn't work out. Hindsight is 20/20...and I bet you wish you hadn't caved.

NO MATTER!

A friend on this board told me once, "you know you aren't really starting over at square one." You have learned so much these past few days! You are getting stronger even though you are in the midst of a fierce struggle with yourself. If you have felt that " ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" then you are right where you should be.

You don't have to do things perfectly! Recovery is a process. Sometimes a sloppy, messy process. Sometimes we go forward and back. This is normal.

I tried to work things out with my dysfunctional family for 2yrs....I tried to reason with them...be the best daughter, aunt, sister-in-law, you name it.

After 2yrs dedicated to THEM instead of my husband, child and I ...I woke up! I realized that they would just USE me indefinitely. I was a pawn...if I didn't function in the realm of their sickness....they didn't have a use for me. I realized that it wasn't possible to set boundaries with them...boundaries, to them, were something to be laughed and scoffed at.

I couldn't wait around for THEM to change. I HAD TO CHANGE.

All it took, was for hubby and I to detach, and start to ONLY make decisions that were in OUR BEST INTERESTS.

Hubby got a new job and we moved away.

If my relatives recover or choose to start a recovery program....If I can build a trusting relationship with them in future, I will. But I wouldn't count on it.

Also, there is nothing wrong with a moratorium. For example, hubby and I have decided that, we don't want to be visited by any of them for at least 6 months--a year. During this time we will be working our recovery and building up some protective boundaries.

The best part is NOT being in close proximity to them. Not being near the chaos. As it stands right now...we are OUT OF SIGHT...OUT OF MIND..we are not THERE for them to use...so they no longer need us. I realize, not everyone can move away....but if you keep to your boundaries...set only those you plan to keep...then the calls for you to run errands will significantly decrease. For hubby and I, we knew we would have to move.

If you find that you can reason with your family...then....do the best you can....others have given you good advice on this. Learn more about boundaries anyway.

The only problem with being patient and giving your parents the "benefit of the doubt" is that you may NOT be able to REASON with them. In order for a relationship to be healthy, IMHO, both sides have to be reasonable and ABLE to see their own needs as well as others needs...and ACT OUT OF LOVE. The presumption of boundaries is that the other party is REASONABLE. What if the party refuses to honor/see your boundaries?

But if you come to find out...that they REFUSE to listen to you...act on the behalf of yourself an hubby....that is a good thing to do either way.

Hang in there with your recovery! Awareness is half the battle! You are doing GREAT!!!!!!!