Originally posted by Just Tired
Just because you don't respond does not mean you agree...or cosign her BS. She is the way she is. You cannot change her and the sooner you can see that the happier you will be.
Absolutely I am in CHRONIC reactor mode when she is around. ABSOLUTELY. And, yes, this may come as a shock but, yesterday that's exactly what someone told me: That I didn't *have* to respond. The shocking part being I never realized I didn't have to.
Of course that now comes as a big *duh* but...what can I say. When she talks I feed it. I know that Al-Anon is probably going to be a lot more difficult than AA, for me because I am not *really* the ADoaA but, like I told my sponsor, more like the SCoaA [small child of an alcoholic] as I am starting to now progressively emotionally/mentally age.
When I put the alcohol down I wasn't 13 like some AAers say you are when you started drinking...I was 5 due to an incident that stunted me in all areas that could be affected. In short, it never occured to me to NOT respond to *mommy.* [I'm 5, mommy talks and I respond.]
I still have a very self-centered view of myself in the domain where the family is concerned...like not just having my needs met but my wants met too. [Typical, like a child.] This wouldn't be such a bad thing, as dysfunctional as *we* are but now that I'm sober I see it as unhealthy and because maybe now I am emotionally 6 around the parents [when i said 10 maybe i was giving too much credit to myself, heh!] I have a hard time making a connection between the two. [6 yr old mentality of *me me me* and *my needs* and *my wants* versus *being an adult in recovery.*]
Isn't THIS funny....I REALLY did think that AA would solve my reactionary stance when it came to my mom/grandmother. [UNTIL I understood really the branches of alcoholism I guess it made sense; ie, when I discovered another aspect of my sickness -ADoA.]
Ya know JT....I think you might get a kick out of this: When I first read your post I reacted just like I would have reacted to my mother. I didn't like it at all! I wanted to get on here and say something like "Abuse is unacceptable!" But alas...Even my sponsor has said things that I didn't like at first. Invariably, if I know it to be true I get to accepting it....eventually.
I really just wish I didn't feel she was stealing pieces of me when she berates me. I do not know how to deal with that. I am not kidding when I say I have no clue. Good hint though Closer: "That's nice that you were able to do that."
Thanks.
Digits