This post is something that I have wanted to type for a long time but before I never ever thought that I would get to this place.
It is official for sure....I am accepting that my abf and I will not be together at this moment and may not ever be together. I am sad about it but a peace of being ok has swept over me. Today I did something different that I have never done before to help to keep this feeling and keep moving forward and not going back. I told my parents what was really going on for once...no lies, no being fake.... the ultimate truth of what I have endured living with a alocholic for the past 4 yrs. I told all my close friends that I was single and that I was moving on. Wow it was so hard to do but the love and support that I recieved from everyone was amazing. I did not bad mouth my abf I simply said that he has a problem with something that I can no longer control and something that I will never be able to control and I have to leave. I love him still and will always love him for sure and that I wish that he will find himself one day but that I can no longer continue on this journey of him finding out who he is no longer.
My friends mostly knew what was going on because I confide in them more than my family at times but my family was so supportive. My dad told me that he was proud of me for being so strong and that he really did like him and he knows that I love him and that he loves me but he told me that the only way to ever reconsider going back is if I know for certain that he has changed his life around and he is activly doing what he needs to do-case closed. He said I may never see that day...which he is very sad that such a bright young man is doing this to his life but there are greater things coming to me. He told me about a story of my great-grandma and my great-grandpa. My dad loved his grandpa like crazy-they were best buds but he also told me of his alcohol addiction and how bad it really was for his whole family. He said that he wished that I had the opportunity to talk with my great-grandma because she would urge me to get out while I am still young because the life that she lived was not always bad but that there were many hardships in her life that she had to deal with with her husband being the alcoholic he was. It was a good eye opener and I know that if she were alive today she would be proud of me.
I am still so sad though....I know that it will take time but I know now that even if the abf comes home tonight and trys to convince me to keep this relationship going(not saying that he will-but just in case) that I will have to say no. For me for sure ,but also for my family and friends. They are all really worried about me right now but if I get out and start a new life that will put their minds at ease....instead of going back to him and having them worry and it will put my mind at ease in the process.
I posted earlier about what I should do as far as being angry toward the abf or making ammends and moving on. I have decided that I am going to make ammends and tell him that I love him and that I wish him the best out of life. I have accepted that when he gets better(hopefully) that he may not have a relationship with me but at this point I really don't care. I would rather him be healthy and happy with someone else then living the miserable life of an alcoholic till the day it kills him. I do love him...why would I not want the best for him?
I will move on and find happiness for sure. I have a lot to offer to someone. I have accepted that I may have moments of loneliness but that they will pass and I will someday find love again.
Wow just typing this is hard....a part of me wishes this was not the end for us but I know that I CANNOT go back to living with an alcoholic. It is a terrible life and I only get one time on this earth and I want to make the best of it.
I do want to say thank you for all the people on this board that have helped me to get there. I honestly believe without this forum that I would not be at this point today. It has taken me almost a 1.5 yrs of reading and writing to get here but I think that i am finally at a good peaceful point. I will keep coming here for sure and I have plans to go to alanon because I still know that I have a lot of issues to work on myself. This journey of alcoholism is not over. I am at peace though with accepting that it is not my fault that he drinks and it has never been my fault. Wow that feels good to say.
