Tib,
welcome back!
I hope you are finally at a place where you are ready to get off the elevator as it only gets worse the farther down we go.
I realize that AA is a very difficult choice to make. I know I had to be pretty desperate to get to the place where I was willing to follow the path laid out in the Big Book.
I would suggest that you consider starting to read our Big Book study, it has a lot of information in it and also really explains passages in the Big Book quite well. I am someone who when I read the Big Book I had some trouble applying it to myself and really understanding it and the program. Utilizing a study like the one here has really helped me a lot that is why I decided to put in the time to type it in and post it. Here is a link to the first part of the study. It starts with the Forward to the book.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anonymous.html
I have not had time to post it all yet but it is there through the Chapter 5 "How it Works", although that is currently a work in progress for me.
Take care. I do hope you find a way to work the program and find a solution. You can do this. Life does not have to get worse.