What is wrong with me????!!!!
My goodness!!!
I am doing better than I have in I dont know how long. True most of it is because I have no car. But sober is sober. I will take it any way I can.
I am saving money, Even got almost $100 in change alone saved from the past month. I am 2 weeks away from having my cable, internet and phone that I havent had since last August. I am able to go eat somewhere, buy my own whatever I need or want. Treat when we do go out. Do you know how long its been since I could do these things? I know it's only money. But it feels really good to not have to ask anyone for anything. Well except a ride.
I am thinking about buying a house of some sort in the future. Maybe even look into going back to school for something. My family is just so freakin happy, relieved, proud, I could go on and on. And most of all they fully trust me again. Thats amazing.
So why am I even thinking about the possibilities of getting high?
I cant stand it. I been having using dreams like crazy lately. And I am at work right now and out of nowhere I started thinking. What if I call the dealer and asked him what I had to spend for him to come my way. I dont have to work the next 2 days. I know I am not going to do it. Because in my using dreams I also feel very disappointed because my clean time is with me in my dreams and I even dream that I say I had this much time and now I have to start all over again.
I have such a great feeling of loss I cant even explain it.
Whats going to happen when I do get a car?
What about when every single person in my family even my grams goes out of town the first week in March and they leave me a vehicle and they are all way down in Florida for 8 days. I am home all by myself with a whole bunch of nothing to do.
I'm really nervous about that.
Anyway. I know the answers to all this pretty much.
Just feels better to get it out somewhere.
I felt really sick to my stomach when I thought about picking up. I hate that feeling.
Thx for letting me rant again!