I was sitting here just a little while ago and thinking about "How many times I had to start over in my journey for recovery?" I couldn't even begin to count how many times in my life I said that I was going to put it down, and than not long after that I would find myself all screwed up again. Not only that but it seemed to me that the more I would go back the least amount of time in between that I would be sober/clean. I lived in a vicious cycle as many of us do and have in our lives. I would always find myself on my knees one minute and than a hour or two later find myself again on my knees but with my face in a toilet or a trashcan or sometimes I wouldn't even find myself.
I did go back the last 6 years to the best of my ability, when I decided to try and give AA/NA a shot. I never really knew what the program was when I got there. I never heard of it until 1996 when a 17 year old kid asked me in church to go and I asked him what it was. Never heard of it or seen it until than. I went to about 4-6 meetings and than I heard them keep saying that "We are sick people, with a disease that couldn't be cured."
I thought to myself "Well Vic, You went to college to be a minister, and you know damn good and well that Jesus can cure any disease. It says it in the Bible." And yes it does say that. So I went and talked to my pastor at the time and told him what they said. He told me that I didn't have to go back and I didn't until the year of 2002.
So on my reflection of my life, up until the year of 2002, I could never go even a year let alone most of the time a month or weeks without using something or another. Since the year of 2002 like I said "reflecting on the last 6 years, I have probably used a total of 3-6 month period. I will say a lot less than 6 months but even at six months of using in a 4 6 year period is wonderful for anyone who has this disease. And I will be one to tell you that WE ARE NEVER CURED of this disease.
I truly believe that GOD for ME is a *Group Of Druggies* *Group Of Drunks* *Mother Devinne* *GOD* whatever you want to call it, it doesn't matter. Whatever works for you and that is all that counts. I found out this time....
That Vic had to start over with his GOD. They say in the Big Book somewhere that if your God isn't working for you, might want to try something different. Well that is what I had to do. What Vic had to do and still today I had to keep my mouth shut and open up my ears. (Like you could probably not tell that by how many post I make
The point is that yeah I was listening but I wasn't hearing. I was there and yet I was gone. I am so thankful for the Program. I might not be a very spiritual person but I am spiritual enough to make this work. I have to thank each of you because it is you that have been my guiding light. It is you who have been faithful, patient, considerate, and loving to me. It is you who I look at for guidance....It is you who showed me how to REFUSE TO GIVE UP!
THANKS
I am still not for sure today if I have found out who Vic is. I have come a long way "yes" but a long ways to go yet. I am so happy with where I am today *most days* and other days I find myself thinking that I should be further than where I am. It is you who taught me how to crawl, than you showed me how to start to walk and than you said now it is time for you to blossom and climb to the place that you want to be.
SO THANK YOU!!!!!!