Just thoughts.
I often through the past 4 yrs have sat and dreamed of a sober relationship. One that is not filled with fear and worry, one that you can just sit back and relax and have a " normal" life. I am single again. I basically told the abf that he will need to be out of our apartment by the end of the month-costing me about 400.00 but I need it to be done so that I can move on and start healing myself. I thought that I could just live with him and heal but I have found myself so wrapped up in the alcoholics life still and our relationship that I decided to buy myself some sanity with a price tag of about 400.00. Ouch....don't really have the money but I am going to find a way.
I am sad.....sad that a bottle(which he of course claims is not the only reason) has broken us up. I am angry right now and scared and all messed up in the head and was hysterical last night and cried myself to sleep. I know that this needs to be done but it hurts like hell.
I am sitting here today and for once dreaming of my future. I am scared of it but I can't go back so all I can do is go forward. I find myself wondering how I will handle not having him in my life. Wow that has all I have known. He was my first for everything. First real relationship, first real love and my first person to have sex with. EVERYTHING. I am dealing with all sorts of issues.
I do wish at times he would still make things better and everything would be ok but I need to really look at the past 4 yrs and all the broken promises. Gosh there are so many and so many false promises. Promise after promise after promise etc........was that him really wanting that or was that a way for him to shut me up for the time being. When he said that he loved me and could not imagine his life without me just less than 2 months ago....was that real? It really all seemed so real. I think that that is what I will have a hard time with for a while.....trying to make sure that I did not create this great love in my head.
I am also having a hard time with deciding if I want to keep saying in my head that I hate him....which is of course at the point that I am at right now or do I want to make ammends with him and move on. I am not sure which one will be the best route. I think that If I am angry with him and do not have the nice-lets move on and forgive each other talk-it will be easier on me. I know this sounds bad but I know that if we have "the talk" then he will end up being nice and start crying or something and i will find myself starring into the face of the one that I really do love. On the other hand if he just leaves and we are just " civil" to each other will I find it easier to move on and not miss him? Not sure what to do.