Thank you all for your responses. Reading the stories on this site has been a tremendous eye opener. I am amazed at how closely I can relate to some of the other stories posted on the site. I read some of the other posts here and I keep saying to myself that is exactly what is happening to me. I thought after 4-1/2 years of living with this sitaution I had a pretty good handle on what was going on.... but I learned ALOT just by a little reading here.
I had been going for a few weeks to a counsler.... and that helped some....but not nearly as much as just reading some of the stories of other people here. I'm beggining to realize that I've had so much of myself vested in my wife's behavior.... in her success or failure with drinking that I let myself be dragged down into her insanity.
I've always known that you can't control other peoples behavior.... yet I was still trying to control hers all along... even though I knew it was futile...I was still trying it....I couldn't stop myself.
I guess when you love some one it's incredibly difficult not to invest your own happiness in thier behavior....and not to try to control them when you see them harming themselves. Even if you know better...knowing it and doing it are two different things.
One thing I really didn't realize was that by engaging her when she was drunk that I was playing into her sickness. I had been doing that all along without realizing it.
I think, and please feel free to offer advice......as I'm very new to alot of the information here...... that I'm going to work on multiple tracks. I'm going to do this stuff a little at a time.....doesn't need to be all done at once......and some stuff will probably take time....but as long as I'm making some headway all the time it'll be good.
1) I'm going to work on putting together the resources to get my wife into an inpatient program. Some-one mentioned "proffesional intervention"....I'm going to need to learn more what that entails and who I can goto for assistance with that.
I know that I can't make my wife do anything..... but I can put everything together for her and do all the footwork, lay all the resources out before her..... so the only thing she needs to do is make the CHOICE to do it or not.
2) I'm going to work on a plan for what happens if she doesn't choose to make a genuine effort at recovery. I'm going to start keeping a journal so that I can look back and get some sort of objective measure as to what is happening. I've also decided that I'm going to talk to a divorce lawyer. I PRAY that I won't have to go that route. However, I want to be prepaired for what I might have to do (getting my son and myself out of the unhealthy situation) if things don't go the way I hope. Also I feel if I don't take some action on that front it will be too easy to fall back into accepting the status quo.
3) I'm going to work on finding some peace for myself and my son while we are in the midst of this situation. I'm going to try to detach from the insanity that rules my wifes world right now. I'm going to try not to engage with her while she is drinking. I'm going to try not to invest my own sense of self-worth in the choices she makes. I'm going to find some happiness for my son and me. This weekend I think I'm going to spend the whole weekend doing fun Father-Son activities..... something that'll get us out of the house. He needs a break from this... and so do I.
I don't know when/if my wife will make the choice to live without alcohol...I pray that it is soon. I know that for my son and my self.....that choice is now. I hope to do that with her....but we'll do it without if neccesary
Mel