Feeling Lost
Just found this site.
My Story
When I met my wife she had 7 years of sobriety. She was honest with me about her history of alcoholism. I had no real prior experience with alcholism or addiction. I thought with 7 years of sobriety there was no reason not expect her to remain sober... and even if she did fall at some future point... she had already demonstrated that she could recover and stay sober. We got
married and she got pregnant shortly after. About 6 months after our son was born, she started drinking again.
Our son is now 5. She has been drinking off and on ever since. At times she recovers and is able to stay sober for a few months but invariably she will crash and start drinking again. This cycle has repeated itself so many times that I honestly have difficulty recalling how much of the last 4-1/2 years she has been sober and how much she has been drunk. She is also very good at hiding her drinking.... I continualy question myself whether she is drinking or not.... I want very much to believe that she isn't, but she has lied so many times that my trust is completely gone.... sometimes I actualy do think that I believe she is drinking when she is not....just because I have become so used to being disapointed.
She knows that her Alcholism is a problem and (I believe) earnestly did try treatments at certain points (AA and counsling) particularly early in her relapse... although at other times she seems to have given up on them or only "played" at trying them. The treatments have met with mixed success.... I think they do help to some degree, but have often not stopped her from
drinking.... although sometimes they have also given her a few months of sobriety.
Her problem is compounded by the fact that she takes perscription Xanax for anxiety. She has developed an addiction to this as well...she over-takes her perscribed dose... then she either runs out early and compensates by drinking or finds ways to get more. Her psychiatrist is little better then a pusher, he knows what she is doing... yet continues to supply her with Xanax. One
time she even went to the emergency room....and I called him and told him exactly what was going on...and he had nothing to say and continues to write her perscriptions. Xanax and alcohol have a dangerous interaction I've been told by others.
The one thing she hasn't tried yet, is an in-patient program (i.e. 28 days). That is how she recovered in the past and gotten her 7 years of sobriety. She says she doesn't want to be parted from our son for so long. He is only 5 years old and he has mild autisim. To me this sounds like simply an excuse not to do it....although I do believe that in her mind the emotion is real.
I am at the end of my rope. I feel lost and don't know what to do. I really, really do love my wife.... and I don't want to be divorced from her.... but lately I've also begun to think about what a relief it would be to be free from this cycle of misery. I think I would have already called it quits if it were not for our son.... he loves both his parents so much and I don't want to give him a broken home... I also know that if I did call it quits, I could not leave him with my wife.... she is a great mom when she is sober, but when she is drinking she just isn't capable of taking care of him...and it is not safe to leave him with her alone. I also know that it would kill her to take him away from her... he is her life. That weighs on me heavly
If she had been drinking every day for the past 4 years, the decision would have been easy... but the periods of recovery have given me hope....perhaps false hope. Every time I keep thinking it will be the time it sticks....and so far every time I have been disapointed. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know how many more chances to give her. Every time I do and it
fails, I feel like a fool for having given it one more try. Lately I have been thinking alot about divorce....I've told my wife too.
Her last period of recovery was in the spring...and it was a really good one, it lasted all summer and into the fall. I think she had a couple of "incidents" where she did drink during that period....but they were isolated...one day and then nothing.... it's tough to remember accurately ..... I know that sounds crazy, but it's difficult for me to remember exactly how many of those
incidents there were.....but I do know she went through some very stressfull things during that period and was sober...things that I expected would cause her to drink but she didn't.... If our life could be like that period, I think I could be happy.... but in the fall she crashed again.... it's been getting really bad lately. She has been out of control and it seems like she's given up even trying to get treatment.
The other day I gave her an ultimatum that I would divorce her and sue for custody of our child if she didn't get serious about treatment. She said that she knew she couldn't continue and agreed to get treatment...even in patient treatment. She even went to an AA meeting. However in the past she has agreed to treatment....and then backed out or found ways to put it off. It's so easy to give in to her too. I don't know what to do. Do I give her one more shot? (How many times before have I said that to myself). How do you know when enough is enough?
Mel