Triangular Pain
Living on the Drama Triangle creates misery. The primary commonality is that none of the players know how to take responsibility for themselves. The cost is tremendous for all three roles and lead to emotional, mental and even physical pain. Evading responsibility and/or attempting to protect oneself or others causes angst, and yet it becomes the primary goal of those caught up on the triangle. The simple truth is that the greatest pain is created in trying to avoid accepting responsibility for ourselves or to allow others to accept responsibility for themselves. When we try to shield others from the truth, we discount their abilities. Everyone involved ends up hurt and angry, no-one wins.
As long as we chase ourselves and others around the Triangle, we relegate ourselves to living in reaction. Rather than living vibrant lives of spontaneity and choice, we settle for a dull life ruled by others’ agendas. To experience a fulfilling life requires a conscious willingness to get off the triangle and extend grace to those still encumbered by their drama.
Denied Feelings
Frequently we find entry onto the triangle through the port of denied feelings. Whenever we deny our own or another's feelings we inevitably end up playing a role on the triangle. We rescue others anytime we attempt to keep them from feeling bad, such as, "I can't tell Jim what I think because it'll hurt his feelings.” So we keep our opinions, feelings and thoughts hidden which inevitably creates distance.
Parents who grew up without permission to acknowledge or express feelings often deny their children the same right. Repressed, these denied emotions become secret shame pockets, alienating us from others and sentencing us to life on the triangle. Feelings, although changeable, are nonetheless real.
Anytime we deny our feelings we set ourselves up for a victim perspective. We cannot take responsibility for feelings we have not allowed ourselves to acknowledge, therefore we end up on the triangle.
Shame and Core Beliefs
As we interact with other triangular participants, we generate shame. Although each role moves around the triangle in their own distinct way, each starting gate position possesses core beliefs that generates this shame-based interaction. These unconscious attitudes are what creates feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy and defectiveness. The triangle is the way we reinforce and perpetuate beliefs.
Rescuers, for instance, believe that their needs should be denied as unimportant and irrelevant. The only way they can legitimately connect with others and feel valued and have their needs met, is by taking care of someone else. Rescuers chastise themselves when they aren't care-taking others. Their primary myth is; "If I take care of others well enough and long enough, then I will be fulfilled and feel loved." Unfortunately, Rescuers are involved with life-time Victims who have no idea of how to be there for others. This reinforces the Caretaker's core belief that they shouldn’t be needy, which then produces more shame surrounding their needs.
Guilt and shame are the driving forces for the perpetuation of the Triangle. Guilt is often by Victims in an effort to hook their Rescuers into taking care of them: "If you don't do it, who will?” The Victims’ shame produces the belief that they are not able to make it on their own. They feel powerless and needy.
Persecutors who believe the world is dangerous, use shame as a primary tool for keeping others in their place. Their primary goal is to feel safe by putting others down. “Get them before they get me!”, is their primary agenda although this is often unconscious. What better way of accomplishing that, then to judge, moralize or denigrate their victims?
Dishonesty
Of course, once feelings are denied, reality and honesty become impossible. Telling our truth first requires knowing it. When we react out of denied feelings and unconscious programming, we cannot possibly know our personal truth. This means that there will be hidden agendas and dishonesty. This is another primary trait of all players on the triangle. Only by knowing our truth, can we begin to speak from a place of personal honesty. Then exiting the triangle becomes possible.
Failed Intimacy
Although most long for a sense of connection with others, many people are secretly terrified of intimacy. Allowing someone to really know us can be frightening. Intimacy requires vulnerability and honesty. Believing at heart that we are unlovable, defective or “less than,” makes it difficult to reveal ourselves. We want unconditional acceptance, but when we haven't accepted ourselves, it's impossible to believe that anyone else could embrace us. Needing to hide our unworthiness makes distance imperative. As long as we maintain hidden agendas and deny our truth, intimacy is impossible. Victim-hood is designed to insure alienation, not only from others, but also from ourselves.
Getting Off the Triangle
In order to get off the Triangle, we must first decide to take responsibility for ourselves. We then begin to allow ourselves to acknowledge and express our true feelings, even when doing so is uncomfortable. As we explore our core beliefs and starting gate positions, we become better able to recognize when someone is attempting to hook us into unhealthy behavior, and refuse to participate. Learning to have guilty feelings without acting on them is a big part of resisting the Victim game. Feeling guilt does not necessarily imply that we are behaving unethically. Guilt is a learned response. Sometimes guilt indicates that we've broken a dysfunctional family rule. Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves and the world, instilled in childhood, become rigid rules that need to be violated. Family dictums such as: don't talk about it, don't share feelings, or it's selfish to take care of yourself, must be overcome if we are to grow. We can expect, and even celebrate the guilt, when we defy these deeply entrenched family rules.
Getting honest with ourselves and others is a primary way to get off the triangle. Telling our truth is a key way of taking responsibility. We then must be willing to take necessary action for whatever that truth reveals. In order for a Rescuer to get honest, for instance, they have to confess their investment in keeping others dependent. This means acknowledging that being a rescuer fills their need for self-worth. In this way, Rescuers learn to recognize and address their own needs.
It can be threatening for someone stuck in Persecutor consciousness to get bare-bones honest with themselves. To them, to do so feels like blaming themselves, which only intensifies their internal condemnation. Persecutors need to have a situation or person they can blame so they can stay angry. Anger energizes them by acting like the fuel within the psyche that keeps them going. It may be the only way they have of dealing with chronic depression. Persecutors need a jolt of rage the same way some people need a shot of caffeine. It jump-starts their day.
Just as with the other roles, self-accountability is the only way off the victim grid for the Persecutor. There has to be some kind of breakthrough for them to own their part. Unfortunately, because of their great reluctance to do so, it may have to come in the form of a crisis.
Ironically, the doorway off the triangle for all roles is through the persecutor position. This is because when we decide to get off the triangle, we are often seen as persecutors by those still on it. Once we decide to take self-responsibility and tell our truth, those still aboard are likely to accuse us of victimizing them. "How dare you refuse to take care of me," a Victim might cry. Or "What do you mean you don't need my help?" a primary enabler enrages when a victim decides to become accountable. In other words, to escape the victim grid, we must be willing to be perceived as the "bad guy." This doesn't make it so, but we must be willing to sit with the discomfort of being perceived as such.
When you are ready to be accountable, you begin by sorting through your genuine motives and feelings regarding your present situation. You become willing to experience your own uncomfortable feelings and to allow others their uncomfortable feelings without rescue. If your loved ones and associates are also willing to participate in this process of self-realization healthier interactions can be cultivated together, thus diminishing the guilt and shame. However, if you're ready to get off, but they aren't, you may have to draw irrefutable boundaries, or even walk away. Again, this puts you at risk of being perceived as a persecutor.
Since starting-gate Victims are the identified problem in their family, it's natural for them to seek outside professional help. Often, however they are unconsciously looking for another Rescuer, which abound among helping professionals. Those in primary Victim roles must challenge the ingrained belief that they can't do for themselves. If they are to escape the triangle, they have to initiate self-care, rather than look outside themselves for a savior. Instead of seeing themselves as powerless, they must acknowledge their problem solving as well as their leadership capabilities.
In conclusion, we must first become conscious of how we play out the Drama Triangle. Realizing our starting-gate positions is the first step for moving out of destructive behavior patterns. As we liberate ourselves by self-responsibility and truth telling, we transform our lives. In other words, we actualize our Higher Selves, thus realizing the blueprint of possibility that lies within each of us.
© 2007 Lynne Forrest
Lynne Forrest: The Faces of Victim