karmakoma

Seeing as I got us all distracted on the other thread about this topic, I wanted to share this passage that I found in my Favorites. Understanding my role when interacting with others helps me on a daily basis. I might not get it right all the time, however the knowledge ensures that the situation doesn't get out of control, at least from my part.


The Three Faces of Victim
By Lynne Forrest


..............................Persecutor


....................Rescuer...............Victim



Most of us unconsciously react to life from a position of victim-hood. When we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we play the victim. This leaves us feeling helpless, duped, angry, unable to change; regardless of our situation.

Victim-hood consists of three positions outlined by Stephen Karpman, a teacher of Transactional Analysis, on what he called the "Drama Triangle". Having learned of it some thirty years ago, it has been one of the most important tools in my personal life, as well as my professional life.

As my understanding of the Drama Triangle has expanded, so has my appreciation for this simple, but powerfully accurate instrument. I call it the "shame machine" because through it we unconsciously re-enact our vicious cycles, thereby creating shame. Every dysfunctional interaction takes place on the Drama Triangle! Until we make these dynamics conscious, we cannot transform them. Unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming our spiritual heritage.
Karpman named the three roles on the Drama Triangle, Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim and placed them on an inverted triangle representing the three faces of victim. Even though only one is called Victim, all three originate out of and end up back there. Therefore they are all stopping places on the road to victim-hood, although each have a most familiar, or, starting gate position.

We first learn our primary position from within our family. Although we each have a role with which we most identify, we will also rotate through all the positions, going completely around the triangle, sometimes in a matter of minutes, or even seconds, many times every day.
It's difficult to realize we ourselves are victims when we are in a care-taking or blaming role. Nonetheless these two, Rescuer and Persecutor, are the two opposite extremes of Victim. This is because all roles eventually lead back to victim. It's inevitable.
You notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. Whenever we assume either of these stances, we come across as one-up. From either position we are relating as though we are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the Victim, in the one-down position, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from looking up. Feeling looked down upon, resentment builds and some form of retaliation follows. At that point the Victim moves into a Persecutor role. Reminiscent of a not-so-musical game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions.

Here's an example: Dad comes home from work to find mom and Junior engaged in conflict. "Clean up your room or else," mom threatens. Dad immediately comes to the rescue. "Mom" he might say,"give the boy a break". Any one of several possibilities might follow. Perhaps Mom, feeling victimized by Dad, turns on him, moving Dad into Victim position. They might do a few quick trips around the triangle with Junior on the sidelines. Or maybe Junior joins Dad in a persecutory "Let's gang up on mom" approach, or again Junior could turn on Dad, rescuing Mom, with, "Mind your own business, Dad . I don't need your help!" So it goes, with endless variations, but nonetheless, pinging at each corner of the triangle. For many families, it's the only way they know how to interact.
Everyone has a starting-gate position on the Drama Triangle. This is not only the place we most often get hooked, but also the role through which we actually define ourselves; a strong part of our identity. Each starting-gate position has its own particular way of seeing and reacting to the world. Each primary position originates out of a particular life theme and moves around the triangle in its own distinct way.

For instance, although we all eventually end up in the victim position on the triangle, the starting-gate position of Rescuer (*henceforth starting-gate positions will be capitalized to differentiate them from the movement through a particular role) moves through victim and persecutor in a very different way than do either a primary Persecutor or Victim.

The Rescuer moves into victim wearing the cloak of martyrdom with thoughts such as, "After all I've done for you ...", whereas a Persecutor claims victim as a way to justify vengeance “If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have had to ....". Whereas a Rescuer may persecute by withdrawing their care-taking, a Persecutor's rescuing is liable to be almost as painful as when they are in attack-mode. And a starting-gate Victim is perpetually pitiful and incapable. They even rescue from a one-down position "You're the only one who can help me, because you're so talented”…”smart”... etc. Our primary positions are generally set-up in childhood. For instance, if a parent is overly protective, doing everything for a child, then that child may grow up to feel incapable of taking care of themselves, or the opposite, they might come to feel angry and vindictive if others don't take care of them, thereby adopting a primary Persecutor stance. Either way, this sets them up for a lifetime role of Victim.

There are many variations, and each case needs to be individually considered. We not only act out these triangular distortions in our everyday relations with others, but also internally. We move around the triangle as rapidly inside our minds as we do out in the world. We trap ourselves with dishonest and dysfunctional internal dialogue. For example, we may come down hard on ourselves for not completing a project. Perhaps we lambast ourselves as being lazy, inadequate or defective, causing us to spiral into feelings of anger and self-worthlessness. Inwardly, we cower to this persecutory voice, fearing it may be right.

Can you see the persecutor/victim exchange happening? As soon as we begin to blame or insult, a victim is created. And in this case, we're it! This could go on for minutes, hours or days, but sooner or later, there will be a voice in us that comes to the rescue. Because we're feeling lousy and need relief, we start to make excuses,"Well, I would have finished that project if it hadn't been for ...", we might say. Now we have moved into rescuer. Sometimes we rescue ourselves, and others, by denying what we know, "If I look the other way and pretend not to notice, it will go away", we say. These inner dramas perpetuate a vicious cycle of shame spirals and self loathing. Whether through internal interaction or external communication, moving around the triangle keeps the self-disparaging messages rambling.

The Drama Triangle becomes our own personal shame machine. The good news is that we can do something about it. We have to learn to turn off the shame machine in order to get off the triangle. It's simple, but not easy.
Before we can get off the triangle we have to recognize and be willing to relinquish the drama produced therein. We must first become intimately acquainted with the costs and trade-offs of each stopping place on the path of victim-hood. This allows us to not only recognize the various roles, but to realistically evaluate the consequences of being at each dysfunction. Identifying the language and behaviors of each role further helps us to comprehend when we are being invited by others to join them on the triangle. With this awareness, we can choose whether or not we want to dance to the shame generating tune of victim. With that end in mind, let's examine each role carefully.