I have read so many posts in this thread I don't know how to respond to them all. I love this thread and I love you all for sharing.
Yesterday my wife and I got into a disagreement about us and our kids. I hate that subject more then anything else in the world. The guilt is crushing. I could have done so much better.
The only way out is to drink and forget...... sweet sweet oblivion. It's the only thing that has always been there my entire adult life.
My wife wanted me to take out the old washer and dryer because we are getting a new one delivered Thursday but I told her I had to go to a meeting. Washers and dryers, my home my wife my life doesn't matter if I drink again. She took me to the only meeting that is almost close to our house. When we got there the church building it was in was torn down. I want to go to a meeting so bad. I took the washer and dryer out.
Today I was dreading walking out in the cold to the trax station and then getting off and freezing while waiting for the bus to take me home. During work I kept thinking how much warmer I would be with a pint of rum in me. I enjoy it when I'm drunk, no hurry, no worry. I have to go see my probation officer tomorrow at lunch and he will probably UA me so I have been thinking if I pick up a couple, three pints of rum tonight and take them with me to work after I am done I can slip back into my own little world and enjoy the walk/ride home.
My sponsor says a good day is when things go well and you don't drink. A great day is when things go bad or you crave, and don't drink. I have had two fantastic days!
Tomorrow promises to be even better. I didn't pick up any booze but.....I'm scared. After work I will be home alone all night, me and the comity. The comity is not as loud as they used to be but much more persuasive. Here is how persuasive they are:
Comity, "Hey Dean you have money in your wallet".
Dean, "Good point".
Pretty convincing aren't they. Money in my wallet is a "trigger".
I have to make something to eat for dinner and go to bed so I can get up for work. 5am comes around so fast.
Thanks for giving me a place to put down my thoughts.
Dean.