hbb~
Please don't take this as being flip. I am on this forum because I finally realized xbf was an A about 2 weeks ago. I have experienced every emotion in the book and I am an emotional rollercoaster.
Bottom line...this is a breakup and it just takes time. The alcoholism component makes it a bit messier....but I am educating myself and learning to detach.
I have looked at many of your posts. I know you are hurting. If you can seek professional therapy, please get it. Don't let your life be dragged down by this. I'm sure you are healing...but at some point you need to stop feeding it energy. It is what it is and it's done. Life has another plan for you and you'll never be open to it if you remain stuck.
As best you can....let it go. I know you're trying. I know it's not easy. But, if I'm still posting on here in 6 months about xabf....someone needs to detach my arms and beat me with the bloody stumps.
Be free.........love yourself. This man is living rent free in your head. Kick him out.