Aysha

I kinda knew but was still surprised. Some of you know me and my father had a falling out in Sept because I was fresh out of mental health and really at the peak of my insanity. So I wrote an emial saying some hurtful things and some of them were true and some it was just because I was mad and hurt. Anyway....That is where it started. I apologised a few times and left it at that. My dad has come to my house several times and I wont come out of my room because I am too ashamed to look at him or talk to him. So I have been avoiding him because of my own guilt.
Well today I finally got the nerve to go out and say hi to him and he didnt even look at me and ignored me. My face turned bright red and hot. It was like I was embarrassed or something. Then I felt hurt. Then very angry. Then I was like whatever. So I sat there waiting to go to work playind DS with my cousin and then my grams pops out of nowhere that my dad would give me a ride. I was no thats ok I can walk. And I left. I was ok until I got to work. Then I got depressed. I should have known better. But for some reason I thought if I made the first actual move to speak to him since I was an idiot. That maybe he would be like thats ok and everything would be on a better note.
But I guess I was wrong. I have sent him random emails even though I havent spoke to or seen him. I just sent emails saying I miss him and hope he is doing Ok. And Merry Christmas and just things like that. Even tho he never responds. At least he knows I am thinking of him.
And today was like a big slap in the face. I wanted to cry then I was so mad.
He knows what its like to be addicted and things we do as a result. So he should know I didnt mean all of it. He's been sober 21 or so years and it seems like with his sobriety came a license to judge everyone. Which is why I sent the first email to begin with.
We never were that close anyway. But we still had something. Now it's like he is saying screw me. I was too drunk to care when you were growing up and now your too messed up to even take the time. Better off without you. Thats what it feels like. Well..Now I know whats up. So I am just going to leave it alone. But I will not have this hanging over my head if something happens to him and we are on this level. I made my effort.
But it still huirts so much. I have always been pushed aside by him.
I just dont understand why.
Anyway..I just needed to get this of my chest.