Selah....
Your point of view of your abf in your first post brought up so many memories of how I used to think. Early on in our marriage when I really got the taste of what an addict is I was beside myself. I mean...I was half kidding when I asked him "What are you on drugs?" I never meant it when I asked someone that question who was acting out of character. I had meant "have you gone crazy" or something to that effect.
In the beginning I would hide our dirty little secret and make excuses for his behavior or absence. Then when I spilled the beans because I couldn't take it anymore I would defend him. "Oh....he's not a bad guy. Only when he's high he's like this. When he's not he's a really good guy." I focused on his good points when people would ask me, "why are you still with him?" mostly in part because I didn't want the bad parts to be reality because I knew once I stopped defending him it would mean that I would have to face it and question myself as to why I am still with him and why do i continue to allow this behavior in my life. (I wish some of my earlier posts were still around. You would see that I would say things like...he never hit me, never stole from me... He would only use up his paycheck and disappear for hours or the whole entire night. Mentally I'm thinking he's different from all the others so things aren't really that bad.)
I think when we're not ready to see it completely for what addiction is we try to individualize the addict. "He's not so bad because....." or "The love we have is different because...." But if you really look with your eyes wide open you will see that addict behavior is addict behavior....they are so similar and that's one of the reasons why I know everyone here understands me when I need to vent about something because they've been through if not the same thing at the very least something close to what I'm venting about. Active use and sobriety/recovery are two different things...there is no half way.
I too got lost in his addiction. I got so lost that when I finally divorced him, and this is kind of funny but at the same time it's not, I had trouble picking out butter in a supermarket. For years I bought the butter he liked. Without him as the focus to please and help it was time to please myself and I didn't know how and I didn't know with what. I ended up buying three different butters by the way.
In the beginning I thought helping him was the key. But I learned here that letting him fall without me as the net was the key. I was enabling him. I, personally, couldn't sit by and watch him fall so I had to let him go. (That's an individual choice...I am not trying to convince you to leave or stay.)
My point is...when you begin to focus on you and what you want then you will figure out what you want to do. We get just as sick as the addicts but we just get sick in a codependent kind of way. Help yourself to find recovery from this.
When you make a decision...any kind of decision, and decisions are never easy and they're even harder to follow through on, make sure you are comfortable with it.