Ok so today this weekend I had a trigger it was a red flag that was waving like a red cape in frount of a pis*ed off Bull( herm yes I am a taurus).......
I started to feel and try dealing with that emotional bullshi! that I try so desperately hard to not talk about and even forget......I am hurting, physically emotionally everything and that new show Brothers and sisters was my button yesterday........that is me I so want to take that vic.... the methadone anything.......still I wont take anything stronger than excedrins......well this weekend the emotional pain started manafesting itself physically the muscle spasms make me scream sometimes, so glad my home is out in the middle of no where where I cant be heard!!!! Out of NO WHERE my x calls....the one who got me into coke, omg I felt the high I felt the burn of it down my throat I FELT That blow high I get every time I am with him because it makes our sex life unbelieveable, even though I know I cant have sex for a few more weeks ( OK a FEW more years in my head) I wanted that high I didnt want to feel......He has shown up at my h ouse 3 times since yesterday...first two times baby and I went for runs, then today he caught me at home, I knew it was him, I heard him this man has keys to my house but he knows I put a security system on it too and I would have him arrested, today he left me a message on the phone he has 2 eight balls of soft and is ready to party......I was on the phone with my godfather ok so I have issues with this man I almost married him, I thank the good lord every day I didnt..........so my god father starts yelling at me"OMFG youre afraid of him Pamm call the police right now please he is terrizing you and you deserve so much better please: just begging me to do something that I KNEW I wanted I could taste it I was whispering like I owed him money( Instead of the other way around) I wanted what he had so badly I just froze, I didnt move I hated that baby was barking her fool head off what is worse I hated what it did to me.......I am not as strong as I believed I was especially with R he was my world at one time and all of it is wrapped up in my self image and my drug addictions and I so dont want that any more!!!!!! But I dont know how much longer I can say no...............I want to use so damn bad and I am having a hard time remember ing why I shouldnt.............
you guys are it for me, my only hope and I havent been spilling like I should but as of today right now this minute I HAVE NOT USED, I dont want to I dont want to start feeling all of these feelings with my son and burry them in drugs like I did Brents Death.........God I just dont want to deal with no more pain it hurts too deep!!!!!! I love you guys!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm