There are SO many excellent points in this thread I could just copy the whole thing again, and print it too for myself to read and remind myself.
First, Alice Kate, great big hugs for you feeling down. We've walked your walk, know the ups & downs and can empathize with you.
You ask "Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore." When my XABF disappeared on me in early 2005, I thought the same thing. He'd said he loved me, wanted a relationship with me, was struggling with things. When I saw him again in Dec. 2006, I had my answers. He didn't even remember my name, had been living with a woman for months and he looked like he was dying. I ceased to exist during that absense, as I'm sure I ceased to exist this final break.
I never got a goodbye, tears or hugged him, my A just disappeared on me. Again. I had to find out through others that I was no longer "engaged" to him, that he had a ring on an ex-girlfriend's finger and that they'll be marrying next month. He has zero consideration for others, and zero remorse. He's a very sick man - mentally and physically.
I cannot make rhyme or reason of it. How can you in his insane world? They truly do not think of anyone or anything but the next drink, and who can take care of them so they can drink. I refused that life, so I was expendable.
ICU is right. It seems to take forever for the heart to realize what the head is telling it. You want to believe in what the A said to you soooo badly. But the proof is right in front of you. There are still things that trigger memories of R for me, and for a while I get to thinking. BUT I HAVE TO STOP that line of thinking, or it would drive me mad and put me back at square one.
Unlike some of the others, I am under no illusions about my XABF anymore. I got tired of believing in him when nothing he said made sense. So I started some sleuthing. I found and talked to his current and former friends and they told me the REAL story of my XABF. It turned out who he was was a mirror image of who he claimed to be.
I had to separate the fantasy from fiction. The truth is setting me free, and I encourage you to do the same with your AH. Remember too, we are trying to deal rationally with those who no longer can think rationally.
More hugs to you ....