Dear Alice Kate..
your post sounds so much like what i am currently going thru myself.
My bf of over two years, drinks some now due to liver issues, but smokes pot all day long.
I was taking care of myself, not taking on his responsibilities., not revolving around him , not rescuing him in any way.
For two years it was sort of up and down, but then we had a good eight months straight and that was the cunning part of the disease.
i was lulled into thinking things were going to be and stay calm , even though his addictions were running rampant, along with the ever increasing ISMS.
of resentment, self centeredness, pity party..etc.
As i got better, he got more upset with me and upped the ante accordingly..until in oct 07 , he pulled the rug out from under me and said i will never move in with him or marry him and my lifestyle is lame, standing still and going nowhere..
and so, he is moving on to find a life partner who will be with him 24/7 (which i interpret as he wants someone to take on ALL that i would not.)
so, he went and found someone new on a internet dating site...which i see as another reflection of the "disease"..not about Me!
he still emails now and then, keeping that one foot in the door.
No matter what he does,
i know , i am the one he loves.(.as much as he is CAPABLE of loving with his pot infiltrated thinking.)
i know its the disease, and its taken me a long time for my heart to really believe this is not about me..or love..or "us".
It is what the disease does...abandons loved ones.
i ask the same questions you do Alice kate..verbatim.
how can he ..?
all the questions you ask. cunning baffling powerful and patient!
i dont think they feel it as we do because they are half out of it most of the time...there might be moments of clarity/ reality which they quickly dull once again with the substance.
Alice kate..i know how bad you are hurting and how devestated you are, because i am too.
its awful ..
but as CarolineB posted...you love him..he loves you..
but the alcohol came between you...that and the whole disease..of the isms etc.
hang in there sweetie.
you are in my prayers , as is my A and yours too.
big hugs.
kmmk