Tips on how to lead a fashionable alcoholic lifestyle
In the grand Aussie tradition I've decided to take the **** out of myself (and nameless others). I'm finding humour to be my best coping mechanism, and I don't mean to offend anyone. Feel free to post your own funny stories. Let's lighten the mood for a while. I'll start...
Mark's tips for alcoholics (presented in the form of a fashionable lifestyle show).
* You might be feeling a bit low right now and your usual way of dealing with that is to drink right? But what happens when you get too sick to even be able to drink? Well just grab one of the tall bottles - there's sure to be plenty just lying about and fill it with water. Just fill it with water and drink it all. You might need to do this a few times. Eventually your body will reject the water together with that unwanted alcohol. Repeat for a while, it's a bonza way of getting back on the grog again (thumbs up, sly grin).
* Now sometimes you might find you can't sleep because you've decided to give the grog a miss? No worries mate. Just go to your a medical centre where thier aim is to get you in and out of the door as soon as they can. There they will prescribe and even give you a sample pack of these wonderful pills called benzodiazepines. Don't worry about the complicated name, taking these things makes all those boring shows on telly just like this one really interesting or even bearable. And you don't need to worry about sleep either, you'll virtually be asleep all the time anyway! (smile and wink playfully).
* You might feel sad and a bit lost for a while. Well don't mind that, remember you can always have your misery refunded in full (nods head knowingly). You might even find the hypocrisy and little quips tarnished by over use and repitition amusing for a while. Cop that guy speaking for 15 minutes about his twenty years sobriety with a can of beer wrapped in newspaper under his seat! Now that's a bloke you can learn from! (thumb's up and happy grin).
* Finally don't forget that now you've learnt all these things you can drink even more safe in the knowledge that you have learnt to be a better drunk! (Picks up enormous glass of beer and takes a huge drink. Grins with ecstasy). Aaah, so refreshing. Now it's over to our mate Lopper who's going to show us how to handle the in's and out's of bankrupcy. Lopper?