Elana - thank you so much for sharing this....you really put it so well. I know that I will never again "love" anyone the way that I did RAH - thank God! It really wasn't love at all, it was obsession. The hurt slowly changes to anger and the anger fueled me to begin to develop the self discipline that I have been lacking. Love does not equal pain. Surprise surprise! The addictive beginnings of a sick relationship are what always used to hook me in....the attractive, bequiling, intensity, and uber connectiveness of the early days lured me into believing that that was what was real - not all the crap that came later with the active addiction. Now I know what was real and what wasn't. Real love grows in a different way. And it doesn't hurt like that used to hurt.
So many people write about the kind, loving, sensitive partner that they fell in love with and how drugs changed everything. And how if they would only stop using that that person would be able to come back. Well, i
f they do quit using something else can develop...that's what recovery is about. However, I've sat in many hours of AA meetings and never have I once heard that anyone has returned to who they used to be. They can develop many wonderful and true good qualities but I believe that addiction alters you in ways that you'd never even begin to believe and spits you out the other side. More than that though, I know how much my partner's addiction/sobriety has changed me. I've never cried so many really wet tears in my life. I've had to grieve for the me that used to be - the one that allowed myself to be treated this way. Yep - I teed myself right up and asked to be kicked....again and again....just like Lucy and Charlie Brown. It is so healing to get to the point where you know not to even bother to kick. At least not with people like "Lucy".
Anyway - thank you so much for your post - Donna