Understanding the alcoholics behavior
Ok, so I have been pretty down lately, and could do with some kind words. I understand the reasons why he does the things he does. He was brought up in a very abusive alcoholic household, as is very emotional damaged from that still, as he has never dealt with it, so carries much anger, fear, resentment around with him everyday, which crops up in every aspect of his life.
We have been together for 3 years, and it took him a long time to really get close to me, but he eventually gave in as we fell madly in love. He had never been that close to anyone before. He is 33. He always kept everyone at a distance. We were in love, best friends, companions, we were everything to each other. He had been sober for 2 years and we had had a very close content, beautiful, devoted relationship. Lately work and life has gotten on top of him, along with his fears, insecurities in his job, about his future, his own feelings of inadeqacy etc, and he started drinking again. He had had a couple of slips lately, which we argued about, as his personality completely changes when he drinks and he becomes cocky, cold and insensitive. My hurt feelings caused me to show anger toward him, and we would fight. I said the next time it happened it would be over.
Of course it happened, and I ended the relationship, because I thought at the time, he didn't love me enough as he has done it again knowing what the outcome would be, so my own insecurities made me walk away. Since I have learned all about alcoholism and I am ashamed of myself, I now know it's not about me, it's because he is an alcoholic and needs to drink in order to cope with his life, at this point in time, as he constantly lives with all his feelings and pain from his childhood, which present themselves in areas of his life every day, and everything just got too much.
We havent spoke for 2 months now. He knows I can't be with him if he is actively drinking as it affects our relationship so much. We both cried so much saying goodbye, to each other. He is so down on himself, and wished he could turn the clock back, but he can't and he knows he can't stop drinking right now! Unknowingly to me at the time, it wasn't just a couple of slips that he had had, he was back to being a hard-core alcoholic, over which he knew he had no control.
So although I understand alcoholism, and can say to myself, this has happened because of this and because he is an alcoholic and because he has no control over his drinking, I still constantly ask myself, how could this happen. We were so in love and so so happy, how can he not see what he is so easily,it seems, giving up. He said he had never been so happy in his life than he was with me, and it brought so much contentment to his life and he loved that. He says he will regret this for the rest of his life. He loved calling me and hearing my voice everyday, it bought so much joy to his life, and I felt exactly the same. So how did this happen? How can he just let me go, when I know he loves me so much, more than anyone else in the world.
I am by no means a stupid person, so why do I have such a hard time accepting the fact, and keep asking myself why all the time. It's like my brain understands it, but my heart simply will not catch up.
Does he even think about what he has lost, and the huge void he told me he had in his life when we first broke up. Does he even think about whats not there anymore, or is he so consumed by the alcohol that he doesn't give it a second thought anymore. How do you go from being so happy and content for 3 years, to suddenly drinking and not caring about anything that meant everything to you before. He is not a happy drunk at all, so it's not as if it's that, so how do alcoholics not look at the fact that they are not as happy now drinking and being alone, as they were in a relationship with someone that meant everything to them and the joy that brought, when they were sober, and the beauty that came out of that loving relationship? They have sober moments right, like in the morning when they wake up, as they are not drinking 24hrs a day, so how does reality not set in then, and make them realize?
I realize I am going around in circles, but please help me clarify, I'm driving myself crazy as you can probably see. I have been going to al-anon for 2 months now and seeing a therapist. I am fine when I am there, but when I am alone again, like now, my mind starts driving me crazy again..... Please help!