You have the answers if you flip your words around: """" I realized, too, that I blame him for all my bad behaviors -- I often wonder if just changes in MY OWN behavior might make that happen. Yet -- why is it all on me?"""""
It is all on you because you are all you can control.
If you work the 12 steps through the Al-anon program, you will learn to stop taking your husband's or any one else's inventory and start taking your own. You will learn through that inventory to change the behavior traits you don't like or the ones that don't serve you. If you change of course your life will change in ways you can't even imagine.
It's a lot of work to be the boss in control of everything...fire yourself and stop being bossy and controlling.When you change by working the steps all your relationships will get better or you will grow and disgard them.