Newlywed50

Why am i so confused about my husband's behavior? My ex turned me on to crack in 2002 and i lost everything I owned by 2004. I lived in my Honda Civic, traded that for an old camper van that was more comfortable, but it blew up, gave that away to move into a sober living, and when I got kicked out of that, I lived in my boyfriend's mother's car until somebody gave me a Areostar that didn't run to live in. I got sober on October 25, 2006 after finding the church where I met my husband. He was an usher there and we both attended the Celebrate Recovery program. He had just got out of a program called Civigenics (for parolees). He had just done 9 months in Folsom for DUI. He told me everything. I have to say I knew his past was rocky, but, being new to Christianity, I though it was God's will that we found each other. We had everything in common. He had been in his prison and I had been in mine. Everything was great until after the wedding. I mean beautiful, loving, sweet, everything I ever wanted. He makes a fine living and we had been truly blessed! What on earth could have possessed him to even start (assuming he never did it before) or start again (assuming he did). He says he remembers the sound of the "iron gates" slamming on him, and said he never wants to hear them again. He's still on parole, you know. I suppose if he's not using that he could maybe be having an affair, but being "in the middle" of either would cause him to not call me or come home. (he's still not home from work). Checking the cell bill online again. Where is he? Who's he with? Is he busted? Is he with a woman? Is he alive? What's with those stinking phone calls? One minute, one minute, two minutes... I'm losing my mind!!!! I remember that my ex and I had usually a couple of connections at a time. If we couldn't pick up from one, we'd go to the other. Sometimes we would call and call until one of them answered. Or else we'd just drive to downtown LA and pick up there. He usually did all the dealing. I just waited in the car. So, even though I lost everything I ever had to that stuff, I never really did very much of my own "shopping." My husband says he just started doing this right after our wedding last July. How is it that he is so expert at it already? It made me so sick when I called one of the numbers and it was a woman who told me about his addiction. She said she didn't do it with him (drugs that is), he just told her about it. She said he gives her rides when she needs them and she sells him a Viagra every now and then. Viagra? You mean that wasn't real? Or was it even for me? Anyhow, my heart is aching. I can't stop this adrenaline and its making me sick. This whole thing is sick. I wish I could leave. Is he using or does he have a girlfriend? Or both?