outdoor1

She initially had an "emotional" (she says) affair, which I knew about and we discussed many times that needed to stop. Because of a letter I found (which she doesn't know about) and the many, many calls on her cell phone bill, I believe it was much more. It was with a close co-worker, who is also a minister and he was "just trying to counsel her" and help her keep from getting fired (which happened anyways because whe was TOTALLY incapable of doing the job because of her drinking). When approached about it even today (2 years later), she says "nothing happened" and even if it did, it was "my fault" for not being the "man I should be". That means sexually, emotionally, etc. That really hurt, especially because she was right about the sex part, but also I didn't like being blamed for her drinking. Sex for me was difficult with a crazy ranting insane drunk who screamed at me all the time, and then would come in and say "let's do it" the next. We (especially me) just couldn't ever seem to give each other what we needed. I feel really responsible for that aspect of our relationship failing but I tried the best I could to make her happy, and her insanity made it very difficult. She wasn't though, so she continued to drink heavily, all the time, and finally crashed as a major drunk in deep depression.

Now she's in her 6th treatment center, still saying "I didn't get here by myself" (meaning I put here there). She still hasn't fully "fessed up" to that first emotional relationship, or 2-3 others that subsequently happened after that which were more sexual in nature which I found out about. She outright lies ("I've never been with another man in my life except you").

One time, while checking her into detox, I found a bunch of condoms in her purse ("those aren't mine, I don't know how they got there"). If she would just admit to what she did, and admit that she was a drunk mess when she did it, and then NOT DO IT AGAIN, I think I could forgive her. Problem is though, that she still continues to call the "emotional affair" co-worker even now, which is a real problem for me. She is so needful, all the time......, if she isn't getting constant praise and admiration from a man, any man, she just can seem to function. I just don't know if we're ever going to make this work. She's a like a complete whacko that can't see that most of her problems in life were a result of her drinking and that her continuing bizarre efforts to reach out to other men and "fish" for constant compliments and attention ("its OK for me to have male friends, you don't pick my friends") and not make amends with me are what is preventing us from working out our problems and getting back together again. So, I feel your pain, and I keep wondering if it ever will be any better for me, with her. As of today, she's been sober for almost two months for the first time in years. I feel like I'm waiting for "rain", with her, and I really wonder how long after someone stops drinking that they "get it". I want her to come to me, be honest with me about the stupid things she did and repeatedly lied about, and for her to show me she's SINCERE about continuing our 20+ year marriage and will not be a whacko in the futre in regard to continuing to seek out other men that will always tell her she cute and funny. I don't know if that is ever going to happen, and its real hard for me to give her that gushing amount of support she so seems to need right now, after all she's done to "us" and me.

So, I am still angry, she's still in treatment, and we're still seperated. I know I probably should move on, but I never wanted to be divorced and still don't, and our divorce would be a real mess becasue she's so over the top on everything. :praying