jlw1971

Hey everyone,

I have been lurking around here for the past week, since my brother overdosed and died on New Year's Eve. It was an insane week, and now we are all faced with the task of trying to get back to "normal".

We got my brother's cell phone records yesterday, only to see a cell phone number that he called *repeatedly* and in a desperate fashion (i.e., many times in a period of minutes). It is coming to light that it doesn't look like he was as clean as I thought he was. Not to mention the fact that he lied right to my parents' face before overdosing.

Suffice to say I think I'm moving quickly to the "anger" phase of the grieving process, at the same time feeling guilty about it. There are just so many feelings that come with death in general, and I think when someone dies as a result of addiction, those feelings get even more complicated in some ways.

I actually feel somewhat normal today. I went to the gym and did a great kickboxing class that allowed me to sweat out a lot of tension and frustration. I feel bad that I don't feel as sad as I did just a few days ago. Does this make any sense? Has anyone else gone through a loss like this? How did you feel? I know everyone grieves in their own way, but I guess I didn't expect to get angry this early. Not to say that I'll avoid the sadness, because I know it's in there. Maybe it's just easier to be mad than sad right now. I don't know.

Thanks for listening. It's so strange to be here without being in a mode of helping him stay clean, look for treatment, help my parents deal with him, etc... Then you feel guilty for feeling a little bit relieved about that.

So much to absorb and take in. I don't think my mind can deal with it all right now.

Jen