llucid8

Here's my story guys ..

I started drinking and smoking pot at 14-15

By 17 I was taking xtc,speed,rohypnol,lsd

I went on like that till 1997 but I stopped drinking when I was 17 also

I was married to a beautiful italian girl and had 2 children with her

And in 1994-1995 I started drinking again because I started getting panic and
anxiety attacks thanks to all the substances I had been taking and became
and alcoholic and in 1999 I lost my girl of 9 years thanks to my behaviour from alcohol

And then I started drinking about 1 and a half of cask wine everyday non stop
to help me deal with my loss but I still cried like a baby everyday and then I got into trouble while in a blackout and landed myself in a cell

I would have been sent to jail for 15 months but the judge said if I completed
a 12 month rehab program everything would have been sweet

plus since the breakup I was living with my family and drove them nuts with
my heavy drinking

I did 13 months of intense rehab and by finishing the program they would give you a housing commission in villawood without being on a waiting list and I
was so happy and sober

I ended up doing a pc hardware course in tafe and got the best job I ever had ever, working in a computer company fixing computers ( my passion )

everything was excellent and I was working there for 3 months and then
everything went to s*#t

while I was at work my flat got broken into by my next door heroin neighbours
that I found out from another neighbour who said my window was broken

I raced home from work to discover all my computers.. christmas presents for
my kids and other electronics all gone

and because my window was broken I didnt leave the flat, firstly because I
didnt have anyone to mind my place for me while I was at work waiting for housing commision to fix my window which they could have taken more of my
goods they didn't take

I had to stay for 3 days and I lost my job because of it

So what did I do .. went across the road and started drinking again ..

I was single at the time but was confident I could have and hold a serious
relationship

And after this just happened a miracle happened to me

as I was across the road eating fish and chips and I bumped into a girl I haven't since 1988 and I had the biggest crush on her at high school and
she was going out with one of my close friends so we hung out sometimes
and she had every guy at school after her

But now since I left school that year and haven't seen her until february last year (2007) she now has MS and was in a motorised wheelchair and I freaked
and was trying to build up confidence to speak to her since she wheeled past me and didnt recognise me

I pulled up the courage to go ask her " Is that you jennifer ? " and she looked at me and said " oh my god " and hugged me and we immediately exchanged
phone numbers and she had been living right around the corner from me all this time without us knowing how close we lived together

I invited her over that day on the phone and I was holding a small birthday party for a kid from next door and she said " oh yeh I would love to "

I WAS SO HAPPY and when she arrived I carried her upstairs to flat and guess what ... She brought a bottle of scotch with her for us to drink

And I thought this couldn't get better .. she drinks too !

That night we kissed and I thought WOW it took about close to 20 years but
she is mine .. and I didn't care about the MS ...

3 days later she asked me to move into her housing commission around the corner and be her carer ( and boyfriend ) .. I immediately accepted and I couldn't tell you how high I was in the clouds at this moment

For months we fell in love and asked her to marry me and she said yes

But ..... in those months almost everyday we drank and partied together

and then things went crazy .... She would blackout and abuse me and
slap and punch me for little arguements we had

I put up with it and drank more until I was drinking a cask of wine a day again
and ended up in detox 3 times last year

The fights got worse and so did the drinking for both of us ... and I never started one single fight with her ... Because of all the medications she was on for MS and alcohol and 4monthly steroid treatment she got to give her strength in her legs she would scream and call me things no one ever called me that hurt so deep

One day she would tell me " get out of my house " and the next " I love you more than anyone ever did before

When she was sober she was the most beautiful loving caring person that made me feel so good about myself ... and I cooked .. cleaned .. and basically helped her with everything since being her carer and lover

And even when she was pissed she could also be someone like I never met before

She was also a former model until her legs got worse and I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have her and she would say the same

Also I know this is getting personal but our most intimate moments were out of this world

But this year she just got worse and worse and every second day she would
say its not going to work out and to move out ... then one or 2 days she would say I can't live without you and no one ever loved and cared for her
like that before

At this stage people around me were telling me to leave her

But I couldn't because of fear I would never find someone like her ever again

even though I copped all that abuse

she is angry at the world because of her MS and its not my fault she has it

And she lashes it out on me and her excuse for drinking is because she
has MS

So after all this 1month ago she slapped me and punched me when we were
drinking and when we fight I get angry because I think after everything I do for you so I stick up for myself and fight telling her why are you being like this to me

people said it is fate that we found each other the way we did

anyway as I saying she hit me and because she uses a walking frame to move around if she lets go with one arm and hits me and I quickly grap her hand before it reaches my face her she has no balance and falls ... and she did
and she got on the phone to the police saying I was abusing her and the police arrived and I said to them I dont want to go to jail and I'll grab a knife and slit my throught so they drew their firearms ( about 7 police ) and capiscum sprayed me and charged me with assault..

And then after I was released from overnight and went back to her and she
cried apoligising to me in tears

Then she kicked me out .. left me without a home because I gave up my lucky chance to get one and I'm going to court for assault

can you beleive that .. the police were calling me a wife basher

bullsh**t

I have never layed a finger on her throughout our whole relationship

so now in feb 2008 I have to go court for the 3rd time and find out my
punishment

fair enough I was drinking to .. but I did not assault her .... or intended to

I always remove myself from the bedroom were we spend most of our time
because of the MS to avoid fighting .. and she used to even more cranky

And she broke up with me .. left me homeless ... and broke my heart into
millions of peices

So I moved into my parents house again ... putting up with my mothers violent behaviour and mood swings

and after an arguement with her at christmas she is not speaking to me
either is my son who lives here with them

I have never felt pain.. loss.. hurt .. broken hearted like this and I have
been abusing myself again until I get in detox anyday now

there's obviously more to this story and I will continue later about the
phone calls after the break up and emails ... of the same thing .. I love you ..
then what hurt the most she sms me the other day saying these lips of hers
will be on someone else .... that killed my soul ... then I got another I love you
even after this break up ... I cant stop thinking about her .... I need help and friends ..

I am now on valium and anti-depressants ( that dont even work ) until I get into hospital ....

When I have read all your stories in this forum I just discovered yesterday
It reminded me that I am not the only one

I have no friends calling me ... broke ... and depressed and when I get out
I have to come back to this hole ( parents )

It doesn't seem fair and I have been suicidal but today I feel better by speaking to my story .. so far

Thankyou for listening to anyone that reads this .. and its all TRUE ..

peace to you all

Gilbert