My Depression
Depression isn’t easy to deal with I can almost guarantee you that. I have been clean for well about 20 months now and during most of my time being clean I was on medication for depression and I had to be on it because during the time I was taking a treatment for Hep C which now has been cleared up and still today my test come back normal which is wonderful. This treatment was vicious to say the least.
I quit taking my Anti-D’s about 2 weeks ago or so not sure but I can sure feel the difference. Here lately I have been falling deeper and deeper into a depression that is so hard for me to live with. I have been isolating from the real world and continue to come to blogs, sites, etc to express myself. Afraid of facing the life that is more real and more physical interaction maybe that is what it is not sure though.
I am in a 12 Step program and I seem to struggle with this issue all the time when I am clean. The program teaches us to live life on life’s terms without the use of drugs. Well maybe I have a very shallow mind but to me and this is my own opinion that Anti-D’s alter your mind and they do. I struggle with the issue of my clean time when I do take them and yet I feel as if I do need them to live a life that isn’t so miserable.
Not sure if anyone can really relate to this or not but it is so hard for me to keep taking them and yet I feel as if I will end up a man that is so hateful and spiteful without them. I don’t want to be that man and yet I can see that I am that man today. One thing though is that now without them I am able to cry, which if you are a man you have been taught or at least I was that men don’t cry. But for me today it feels good to be able to cry.
I am feeling all of these emotions and stuff and it is so hard to deal with them being sober n clean. But I have been doing it. I haven’t been doing my meetings like I probably should be either. I am planing on going to a meeting today, I really need to see some peoples faces instead of sitting here looking at the walls that surround me from day in and day out. I don’t get out in the public much very fearful that is for sure. Well anyways I guess that this is just my thoughts and I will try to keep this going to keep track of my mental state. Thanks for allowing me to share.