NMillis

hey, i'm new here and at wits end--as are my friends and family to see me in this state. I feel weird spilling out something so personal to a bunch of people i'll never see but I know that there are others who have been down this path...
i am young and foolish but not an idiot. i let the most beautiful man i've ever seen take me on the trip of a lifetime to the gates of hell itself.
it was a romance like something out of a movie, but punctuated from the beginning with hints of some monster just under the surface of his control. people were always in awe of us--we were just alike, a match made in heaven, and he loved me very much. there were red flags--the drunken driving that almost killed us one night, the embarrassing fits in public, starting a fight with one of my friends--that i ignored. one drunken blurry evening in the heat of the end of the summer we had sex without a condom. i thought nothing of it until a month later, when something in my body started to feel different.
I ended it and he helped me through it, flying up to be with me for a week, nevermind that every time we talked on the phone after that his voice sounded a little slurry. He promised that he was going to try harder in his life, to be the best man he could be to me so that we could get through this. I had complications and became very anemic; nightmares started and insomnia followed. a month later and the grief was crippling me, as was his increasingly erratic behavior. but he still called to say he loved me every night. in november he called to tell me he was going to columbia with his two best friends, both heavy drinkers and womanizers. somewhere in my heart I knew what would happen but I said nothing. I received florid love-letters and descriptions of his adventures and I began to think everything was ok. until he (drunkenly) mistakenly sent a message to me instead of to his best friend bragging about sleeping with a columbian girl "for free". i broke up with him immediately and he called me, sobbing so hard he couldn't talk, begging for mercy.
i, in my rage, told him some horrible things that i REALLY regret now, including that he should do me a favor and go choke on his cheap-wine vomit alone in a sleazy motel room. after that line he cried even harder, sobbing that he can't live with himself and everything he's done, and hung up the phone. I was afraid he'd committed suicide.a few days later i received word that he was with his father, about to enter rehab. he is there now, 'recovering' and sounding fantastic

but what about me? my semester was ruined academically. I am a pre-med and this is a very important year..but i am crippled with rage and grief. the o-chem books and all of my future dreams are just sitting on the shelf and i am unable to pick them up.
i am unable to let go.
i know he is undeserving, i know that he is the wrong man and i shouldve listened to my instincts a long time ago. but i can't forget the beautiful things, the trip across the US, the way we grieved for the child together.
i am trying so hard to stay centered and focused but I can't sleep at night.
i know he has a disease but i am still afraid i will carry this pain and hold it against any other man who should pursue me. this was a bad first 'adult' relationship for me (i'm only 20)....
he is in recovery.. i can forgive him, but should I help support him through this (while trying to get over him)? I didn't know that one person could cause so much damage in the quick span of 6 months..
if alcoholism is such a 'disease', can the host still be held responsible?