From my experience the only person you can change is you. Your wife may not be ready to change because it is still working for her. She is still getting what she needs from you and other people. Or maybe she does not see what she is doing as a problem. Read the book Codependent No More. You may find that you have a few of the traits yourself. Trying to change other people is a hallmark of co-dependency. Hugs, Marle