Yet another Christmas Story
I was invited to a party on Christmas Eve at a neighbor's sister's house here in town.
I knew there was going to be drinking at this party, but since I'd met almost everyone there, and they know I am an alcoholic, I prefer not to drink, and since the grandmothers were coming - I thought it would be a low key thing.
Oh, my.
I was OHHHH so wrong.
This was an all out ... let's get drunk like *barb* used to drink kind of bash.
There on the "bar" - hastily converted washer/dryer - stood all my old drinking buddies.
All but the 'top drawer' vodka I usually drank at the end. The cheaper, 'trailer park cousin' brand was there in its stead.
I started out thinking, 'just stay in the living room and you'll be okay'.
That lasted about an hour.
There were supposed to be games, and other stuff - nothing.
Just drinking.
The drunker they got - the more uncomfortable I got.
I tried the whole gamut of tips and tricks and finally walked up to my neighbor and said,
"I have to leave. I can't be here."
So of course, being a bit drunk herself she got mad at me, and I calmly put on my coat and went out the door - I was calling for a cab when the only other person in the house who wasn't drinking came out of the party and offered me a ride home.
Which I took.
Like a bandit.
Waiting for a cab at zero degrees ... is no fun.
If that wasn't a 'HP thing" ... I don't know what was.
I got home, paced the floor, prayed, listening to Christmas music on the radio for about two hours before I could get all the ... anxiety out of my body. I was nervous as a cat at a dog show. It wasn't a 'sudden' calming ... it took a good while. Then, my ride to the Christmas Eve meeting ... never showed. I was listening to music, toying with a painting I've started, and looked up to see it was 12:30.
All dressed up and nowhere to go.
So I put in a speaker tape - and had my OWN meeting.
I was suprised that the 'temptation' hit me so hard and so fast.
It wasn't even really a 'temptation' ...
It was just a sudden onset of uncomfortable-ness that grew until I could scarcely breathe.
I was not prepared for a liquor party.
The people I've seen drink at these neighbor family functions have in the past stuck mostly to beer. I detest beer. I'm so completely unintimidated by beer - I could work at a brewery... you know? I was completely blindsided by the presence of my little 'soldiers' standing on the counter.
The people I assumed were going to be at this party ... weren't.
There were quite a few I'd never seen before.
Strange house.
Strange people.
Liquor everywhere.
My friend called the next day and apologized for getting angry with me.
She's stepping into the stage of her own drinking that ... anything that disturbs - or looks like it's GOING TO disturb her drinking 'schedule' is apt to make her explosive.
My ex husband was like that.
A "scheduled" drunk.
He had to be IN the house a beer IN his hand and at least twenty more safely IN the fridge - by six pm every SINGLE day - or he'd go belligerent. Usually at me.
Is there a point, Barb? Hmm... I think there was.
I was up to my armpits in my old drinking preferences, tried to sit it out in another room, and when the situation got to the point that I was afraid to leave my drink unattended in the room - I up and left.
And something besides ME was driven home as well ...
We really are never 'cured'. But we CAN and DO get BETTER. We can and DO ... live. We can and DO ... change. And if you work at it hard enough ... your dedication to a life of sobriety ... can buy you a little time when you're blindsided.
There was a time I'd not have left that party strangers or not - until every drop was gone.
There was a time that I"d have endured anything to keep a friend from being upset with me.
There was also a time - I'd never have admitted I had a problem with the actions of others.
I CHOSE not to drink. I CHOSE to leave.
I honored ... myself.
I CHOSE ... sobriety.
What a Christmas Gift.