Hi all --
We have come through the first challenge. Monday and Tuesday was filled with my husband and I putting on a strong face and trying to just make it through the holiday without completely upending the days for our sons. My parents were a part of it all, and though at times I have trouble keeping my boundaries with my mom, we all got along fine. I think the boys used the opportunities to show off for their grandparents to help release tension. There were many moments of goofy joking and shared "movie quotes" moments. My husband and I ended up mostly feeling sad but satisfied that we found a way to survive.
Now I have to return to me - to listening to my own inner feelings. My head is too often filled with the noise of "shoulds" and "wants" and naming and defining. My goal is to hear what my heart is communicating ... to hold onto what I feel. Right now I am torn between focusing on me - which isn't comfortable - and wanting to focus on the fact that my acoah is being very kind right now, although he never lets me forget that he only is treating me like a friend. He acts like he wants this relationship - that we can be "just friends" and easily share and support each other's changes. He tells me that he wants to regain my trust after what he did earlier this month - and I am finding myself easily giving that trust to him. Despite my attempts to not engage in any deep talk with him, I haven't successfully walked away from the "drug" of his friendly inquiries about how I'm doing, etc. The codie drive to just embrace his attitudes and find my fulfillment in his interaction is strong (kinda like the Force?
). That drive is getting complicated, though, by the fact that when I do focus on my feelings, I am increasingly feeling manipulated by his actions. How hard to leap into the deep, Growing, where I don't know what to expect instead of staying in the shallows where I know what I'm getting - even if that's unhealthy.
I can't believe how different these days are this year than they were last year. In no way could I have predicted this journey and series of change!
Well, the saga continues. The day has been snowy and gray. Hope you all are finding sunshine somewhere in your lives; I have been reading all of your posts and I'm glad most of you have come to the end of your own challenging holiday family times.
2008, here we come...
UM