Rob...This is what our disease is..."cunning, baffling and powerful." I think that almost everyone on this board has been right where you are now. That's why we're in recovery. I hope that you soon get to the point that each one has to arrive at...that point where the desire to stay sober is stronger than the desire to be drunk or high. For me, I finally really had had it with that hampster wheel and couldn't take the obsessing nad self-disgust anymore. So i gave up. That was 3 years ago and life today is completely different. Stuff still happens, of course, but it's all so manageable. And life has flavor and color and real joy again. I'm not special. You can have this too. You "just" need to want it enough. In the meantime, go to AA meetings (if that is your choice) and look for the winners, the people who seem to have what you want. then ask them how they did it. You might be very surprised at how much help and support you get.
You can become happy, joyous and free. Just don't quit trying!
Fit