Hello Alice- glad your here. First off, keep posting all of the stuff you want to post, just get it up and out. Alcohol changes the very composition of the persons brain chemistry, as well as their demeanor. It's not you, repeat that to yourself. It isn't. It hurts, it rapes you of everything you are if you allow it. Alot of times its already happened before we know it. I know it is difficult trying to figure out the whys. Take comfort in the fact that it is his loss, and until he can see that, or get help and loose the alcohol, he won't care. Keep that in mind. Beating yourself up is hard on yourself. Alcohol and drugs can take a normal, loving,affectionate person and rip their whole demeanor to the core. Thats a fact. In that process, your emotional state gets affected as well. Try to take time to heal. That is just going to take time, I know that part sucks, (to be blunt) but it does. You loved/love him, and those are feelings you just can't flip on and off with a switch. You got through Christmas day, what can you get out and do just for you today? Think about it.
So glad your here!