My thoughts
I haven't written in a week and I noticed I started to feel depressed again. It made me think about how hard it is for someone addicted to be in recovery, as I try to enter into my own recovery and find myself meeting some internal resistance. I just wanted to update everyone... my brother is still home. He has been hiding out in his room with his gf (also a substance abuser). I still havent gone to see him. He hasnt contacted me and it hurts me so bad. My mother saw him the other day and he smiled at her, I know he does this when he is uncomfortable, but it seems he is still in denial. He asked me mother how his sister was and she told him that if he wanted to know he should call me. He told me my mom with urgency in his voice that he was home and that was significant. We are seeing what happens, we are giving him space and trying to "do something different." Is this what I should be doing? It feels so strange to withdrawal from him. This is such a different role. I think I am under the impression that in some way me being there for him has saved him. Am I being silly to think I have so much control?? Oh the word control...... such a scary word for me.
Oh, how I wish he would call me. I pray for the day I will see his number on my cell phone. I know that I am strong enough to go over there (since I will be there visiting my mother) and just give him a hug. I just want to hug him b/c I am scared that one day he wont be here to hold.....