"This man has taken so much from me- and I let him! I was loyal to a fault. I tried to help someone who rejected me- and in the most dirty way a person can reject another- infidelity. It's bad enough that I am dealing with alcoholism. I'm also dealing with a third person in our marriage. And- he's the victim. He's trying to make me out to be the bad guy. His perception of reality is so distorted that now I kicked him out, I've never loved him, I can't accept him for who he is, if I wanted this marriage to work I'd be affectionate with him. . . it's all madness!"
We are in similar situations, Paj. I am so sorry you are going through a hard time. My AH had a DUI accident 7 years ago and lost his left forearm as a result. I cared for him for 6 months using all my codie skills to ease the way. He promised to change, attended counseling, and even AA. But of course he was not "one of them" and stopped going to AA. I thought an A was the skid row variety and it took me a long time to realize the truth. Nothing changed and I took each slip as a persoanl attack. Actually, something did change...me...as my soul was dismantled piece by piece as I carried on being loyal to a fault. Fast forward to last year and I was injured and had to under go surgery with an intense rehab protocol. Guess how dear AH chose to support me? He had an affair and blamed me for it. In fact when I set a boundary stating that if he wanted to work on the marriage he needed to commit to zero solo outings until trust could be reestablished he replied, "How am I suppose to THRIVE under those conditions?" He tells me I am the bad guy, I don't do enough, I am too sensitive quack quack quack. And this after 17 years of marriage.
Well, I reached my bottom and through the grace of my HP I found myself in an Alanon meeting a month ago. I filed for divorce in August and am going through tremendous guilt because my heart keeps telling me I haven't done enough. I too have kids. But I know I am doing the right thing.
I too will probably end up selling my kids' only home. We may have to move away. I have been a stay at home mom and I homeschool. So a new job is in my future.
I too have my bad days and I cry. I try not to fall into my codie hole of despair and obsession. I try to find joy in each day. In fact I try to only think of today and make it a great day full of joy, peace, and fun. Most days I make feeble attempts at this, and some days I do great.
I read this on this site the other day, "Just leap...the net will appear"
My prayers are with you today. :praying