I feel so crappy today
My AH and I had the divorce discussion this past weekend. We've been separated for 4 months- initiated by him. He left thinking I'd realize what a great guy he is and want him to come home and change my ways to suit him. Well- it hasn't worked out that way. I have changed- dramatically, but changed for myself. It's still very hard. He has had 2 emotional affairs since we've been married- 12 years. His first may have gone farther than emotional. I don't know. This recent one is with a co-worker. He wrote a note about her that I found after he had announced he wanted a separation. It really took his issues to a whole new level. He's been incapable to being remorseful. He's also said some amazingly hurtful things about her- like: "If things don't work out with you and me, I'll probably ask her out." All of these kinds of things were said while he's proclaiming he wants things to work out with us. This is my HUSBAND! I've known this man for 17 years! How I got over his first emotional affair- I don't know. I was a different person then- scared- mom of an 18-month-old with dreams of how I wanted my life to be. My AH has obviously thrown a huge wrench in the works. I KNOW I have to move on. He's been blaming, bitter, impatient, and completely unable to look at himself and how his behavior has impacted our marriage and me. He has been very good at taking my inventory, sometimes even blaming me for things that aren't even reality. I think alcoholism is a mental illness. . . and it is killing me!
I KNOW it is best for me to move on, I KNOW my life without him in the house has been more peaceful, I KNOW I will be ok. I work, I have good friends, a supportive family, a beautiful (now 10 yr. old) daughter, a funny dog. But I am sad!!! I am hurt, and angry!!! This man has taken so much from me- and I let him! I was loyal to a fault. I tried to help someone who rejected me- and in the most dirty way a person can reject another- infidelity. It's bad enough that I am dealing with alcoholism. I'm also dealing with a third person in our marriage. And- he's the victim. He's trying to make me out to be the bad guy. His perception of reality is so distorted that now I kicked him out, I've never loved him, I can't accept him for who he is, if I wanted this marriage to work I'd be affectionate with him. . . it's all madness! He left me with a child, a dog and a house to deal with. I work, I'm in grad school. I don't need this crap- and yet, I still feel so hurt and sick over the fact that it's got to be over. I have to move on and divorce someone I have loved for 17 years. Today I just feel like crap- like my road is long. I have to deal with the sadness this is going to inflict on my daughter- whom I have tried to shield from this chaos. I have to get our house ready to sell and somehow find something else to live in that takes us away from a great neighborhood, great friends and the only house my daughter has ever known. I am just so mad. How do I do this?