In the middle....I did it again
One of the things I have realized as a lifelong pattern is that.....I put myself in the middle. Constantly. It's a big, bad, nasty flaw of mine. I did it again yesterday. I recognized it and a light bulb went on. I now understand the old adage that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".
I have tried to play the peacekeeper. The interpreter for my family. Between my husband and my son, between son and daughter, between my husband and my daughter. Always with the best of intentions but seldom with positive results.
The other day my A son approached me and told me that his sister had (a year or so ago) made a "My Space" for him supposedly without his permission. It was pretty bad. It showed him at his worst. Pictures of him drunk beyond belief. Not pretty. It said things that were untrue but done "as humor". My A son has since been through treatment and is doing his best to overcome his addictions. He was really angry that his sister had done this. It was out there in cyberspace for all to see and it wasn't a representation of who is today and who he is trying to be. He wanted it GONE. And I could certainly understand that. He said that he had asked her many times to remove it and she said "she couldn't".
So (here comes my bad part) I approached her and asked her to remove the My Space for her brother. AND I explained how upset he was and some of the things he said........duh. My daughter went OFF ON ME. She said that she would have been happy to do it before but he never asked her NICELY. He was a butt about it. I tried to smooth things over and help her see things from his perspective. blah blah blah
Suddenly.....it dawned on me......and I apologized to her. I had once again gotten in the middle of what SHOULD HAVE BEEN an issue between the two of them. Meddling mother. (She did remove the page, by the way, inspite of my meddling.....but she did it for me not for him and we had a good talk about me interferring in her relationship with her brother.)
This has been a behavior of mine forever. I have tried to get my husband (my A son's stepfather--the man who raised him) and my A son to love each other. If only they could see eye to eye, everything would be ok. I put myself right smack dab in the middle of them for years. Trying to mediate. Protecting. Begging. Trying to explain one to the other. It never went well and I felt "victimized" by their lack of cooperation in my efforts.
When my A son went through treatment last year, I (finally) realized that I was the one who put myself in that position. I was the one who constantly placed myself between them so that THEY COULDN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER without my interference. I have a long way to go but since I have pulled myself out from in between them.....they are making progress. They are becoming closer.
The other night my son came over for dinner. We had a lovely evening. And as he left I said "I love you" and he replied "I love YOU GUYS too". I was blown away. That may sound like a very little thing but he included my husband in that "I love you" statement. It was huge. My removing myself from the middle.........I am no longer the "barrier" between them. What will be will be. But their chances of connecting are far greater without the "meddling wall" that has kept them distanced from each other for years.
Sorry this was so long.