Originally Posted by
anvilhead 
please listen to that inner voice......love would never allow us to stay in an unhealthy situation.......love would want what is best for EACH person and for EACH person to follow their own path, whether it leads them in the same direction or not.......love FREES us, it doesn't hold us captive.......
Anvil ... thanks for taking the time with that... I am text book codie. And here I am thinking I'm in recovery myself! HA!
I did say last night to him, that if he does relapse that that he has to let me know. OMG... I sound so fricking pathetic. Chances are he is going to!
WHY am I doing this to myself? Why am I caring so gawd damn much?
I'm scared he is going to go back to it. I'm so wrapped up in it... it's like his reality captivates me... and I so lose sight of my own reality.
I don't even take drugs and I feel as though I do... does that make sense? But w/out the high of course. I just suffer the after math. I mean.. what the hell am I signing myself up for? What if he doesn't stay clean? I'm scared to talk with him today, because I think he is going to be down and out and or god forbid he will be happy, which worries me, cause then I think he has used!
He was supplying for about 4 other people... by going to other suppliers... and was the key man in helping others get some too... and I'm sure he is getting phone calls from all these people! It makes me want to take his phone away and tell these idiots to leave him the FRUCK alone! To GET A LIFE!
The funny thing is... I am the one who needs to get a life!
WHY didn't I just walk away when I saw him snort that sh!t for the first time... did I think I could handle it? I guess so... and now I'm just so far sucked in.
I am not one to hate... but I really hate myself right now for being such an idiot! How could I let myself fall in love with a man that does drugs... how could I do that to myself? The sad thing about it is I don't even know him sober... off drugs! I HATE those drugs... I HATE opiates... I HATE the lies... I HATE that I can't trust.
I HATE that he is going through these wds... and he has done it before... and that he has made the choice to keep putting himself in the withdrawals.... I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! It's such a quick consequence... quick turn around from feeling good to bad... WHY DO IT?
The way I know I can make myself feel better... is by leaving... by saying goodbye... but I can't do it... I'm not doing it. HE IS MY ADDICTION.
I'm sorry... I'm just crying here and not knowing what to do with my own life... and I read everyone's stories on here... and those of you that have addicts as children... my god... my heart breaks for you.